18 Confessions of a Sex Addict
Arousal is natural, not shameful
I'm singularly focused on sex right now. I've been reading some explicit writings and all I can say is man... if I was home and alone, it'd be getting messy real fast.
So lets work on taking this excitement and arousal and turning it into something else. It's okay to be aroused. There shouldn't be shame in it. I'm a human being, and I need to remember that. When sex is an addiction, it almost ends up that sex becomes the villain in the story. That's not what I want. Healthy sexuality is my goal. That means accepting my sexuality for what it is. Sex should be playful. Foreplay is by definition play. I love foreplay. I think sometimes I like foreplay more than sex. Getting off topic. I am allowed to get horny. I am allowed to feel desire. Sex addiction results in this desire and need to eradicate the urges completely but I don't believe in that for me. That's not what I want for my life. I'm not going to be a saint, or a monk. I'm aiming to have a lot of sex. The change for me is doing it in healthy, respectful ways.
My job has allowed me a lot of personal space. I've jerked off in this office way more times than I can ever count. It's contributed to my condition. But even before I had an office, I had a patrol vehicle, and a guardhouse, and I still found ways to jerk off. Bathroom, vehicle, outside. Nightshifts were a wild time for me. The exhibitionist in me was welcomed with open arms. There's something that just clicks for me when I fantasize that I'm being watched. The attention is a drug all on its own. The changes I am learning to make revolve around using appropriate spaces for masturbation. My home, if I'm alone. My bedroom if I'm not. Those are appropriate spaces. It can be difficult having to work all day when my dick is at half mast. I tend to secrete a lot of precum, so it ends up pretty wet, which can accentuate the physical pleasure whenever I move. Sometimes it just seems easier to masturbate as a form of harm reduction. "I need to do this so I can have my brain back".
I think perhaps learning to ride the waves of my urges is a good practice. Maybe I have a high sex drive. Regardless, I need to learn that skill. It's a form of discipline, which is something I lack. When I have a different job, I won't have time to close my door and jerk off. I'm going to have to control the urge. And perhaps being distracted by work is just what I need to help me progress.
Right now though, fuuuuuuck, do I ever want to jerk off. And that's okay. It doesn't mean I have to. It doesn't mean I will.
I went back to my original SA group and asked if I could rejoin. I'm using my own sobriety rules though. I'm not following along with eliminating all forms of lust. I'm using SAA rules for the SA fellowship. I just didn't feel a connection while on zoom meetings. Not after having had real in-person meetings. I couldn't even collect my chips for one month recovery. That sucked. Those chips are helpful to have. So anyways, I have an in-person meeting tonight and I'm going to continue doing my learning and recovery. I only have a few months before I move, maybe 8 meetings, but it'll be more helpful than zoom meetings with SAA.
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