Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2023-01-25 06:50:51 (UTC)

So best night ever...until it wasn't

So last night Mike came to bed to 'clock' into the bean factory. For over 2 hours this man ravished me, we were laughing and joking and just having a great time. When it was all over, I was laying there feeling calm, no energy stirring anywhere, just peace and I was thinking to myself, I'm good as long as he doesn't touch me (and set the flame bursting again) right then he rolled over 'what are you smiling about' I was like 'don't touch me, which of course he just had to, so more love making. I even asked him if I was dreaming that's how perfect and magical it was.

After it was over, for good this time, I was laying there thinking about how satisfied I was and how in love I am with Mike and that I was really HAPPY

then, for whatever reason my fucking brain can't have any happiness

I am a 55 year old grown ass woman having a fucking argument in my fucking head, some random insecurity came up and demanded their voice to be heard above all the happiness and peace. I was fighting the thoughts with everything I had, I couldn't breathe, I got up I wasn't mad at Mike or upset about anything, I was struggling internally and just needed to go meditate and pray and cry.

Why can't my brain just allow me to be happy?????

fuck why am I making drama life has enough?

pretty sure Mike is over this, I kind of am a lot to deal with I guess

I just realized something, when they asked me to remember the way the very first norco I ever took made me feel, I said I felt like everything was perfect, I wasn't in a bad marriage (1st one) my son wasn't dying life was good. I just realized I was only thinking of outside factors contributing to my loving norco, but I was just thinking, I was calm, I didn't have anxieties, I didn't have insecurities....well obviously I did they were just buried by the drugs. I was self medicating to treat whatever the fuck is going on with me anxiety, adhd I don't fucking know.

They did tell me not to get on any medications for anxiety for at least a year, unless it gets really bad....

well isn't blowing up your fucking marriage over a thought getting really bad???

I feel I am getting better everyday, seriously, I was able to shut the thoughts up with meditation and prayer and was able to go back to bed in like 15 minutes so that wasn't that bad, internally. So I'm scared about taking a medication, I know my brain is still in the process of working all the kinks out the years of norco use fucked up. It's only been 141 days clean, I still have 224 days left for a year.....damn

I'm just going to have to make friends with these anxieties and we gonna have to learn how to work together and get along because this is bullshit

Pray for me