avoiding emotional abuse
Watched a YouTube video by a girl named Myra West. This girl reminds me a lot of myself she doesn't go into deep detail of her childhood but touches on the fact she grew up in messy divorced neglectful & abusive family and was pretty much abandoned in adulthood she seems a little socially stunted. Doing her best to make a social life in adulthood and talks about avoiding the unhealthy relationship patterns of her past.
Her most recent video is titled "Why people stay in abusive relationships." And it was exactly what I needed to hear right now. People who grew up abused and neglected have been shown to enter into similar relationships in adulthood. It's been said this is because we feel we deserve this treatment and subconsciously seek it out. I was always confused by that because I grew up abused and neglected and wanted nothing more than to never be treated that way again! And yet so many friendships, business partnerships, or situationships talking to guys it's been exactly like that. False promises, never followed through with, me doing all the work, them holding the tiniest little thing they did for me over my head, no accountability, no nice gestures, no effort, being ignored, ghosted, rude remarks, cursing, yelling, blamed, gaslit, one sided etc. In no way did I want any of this. But she explained it well in her video. It isn't necessarily that victims of abuse want to continue to be abused. It's that we feel badly or strange anytime anyone goes out of their way to do something nice for us or god forbid even puts themselves in the slightest bit of discomfort in order to make us feel comfortable. And the ONLY alternative to this is someone who doesn't put in any effort, disregards how you feel, treats you badly or even abuses you.
Growing up I was made to feel like shit anytime my parents did anything for me. The slightest favor was held over my head for years. So I grew up to be fiercely independent and bent on never needing anything from anyone. I never wanted to be indebted to anyone or owe anyone anything. I never wanted to anyone to say I used them like my dad always yelled I did because he gave me a couple rides places, provided me with shelter, and fed me as a child. The basic responsibilities of being a parent. So as a result I tried so hard to show people how independent I was and how I could give and provide for them. I never wanted anyone to be dissatisfied with me or feel I used them. I thought if I did enough of this, they would appreciate it and eventually reciprocate. Boy was I wrong. Learn from my mistakes. Don't do this. They will think you are easy and they can do whatever they want. Have their cake and eat it too. If they don't really care from the beginning about your needs and wants, they won't ever care. You jumping through hoops and allowing indifferent or bad behavior won't make them come to the realization you're a chill and cool girl and they should reward you, it will only makes things worse.
One more things believe actions not words. Another tactic of abusive and manipulative people is when they speak of the thing you desire as happening it is always in the future. Example fuckboys on dating apps who say they want to have casual fun or whatever happens but maybe one day in the future for the right person, in the right circumstances they might want a relationship. Or this kid saying how once I moved across the country and x, y, z happened then he could help me like he said. Never jump through hoops for someone who hasn’t earned it or put in any effort. It will always be one sided. Once you submit to doing all these things you give them the complete upper hand. Granted this doesn’t always result is “abuse” but it will easily result in mistreatment and your needs not being met. So it will be shitty either way.