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The Nameless Narcissist posted a poll/question on his youtube community tab. He asked if it was worse to be abandoned or to be cheated on.
The options were abandoned (cluster b), cheated (cluster b), abandoned (non-cluster b), cheated (non- cluster b).
I thought (and I wasn't the only one) that cheating was pretty much abandonment. But then I thought about my more negative (but favorite fantasies) of my LO. And I chose that being abandoned (non-cluster b) was worse than being cheated on.
Yes, I've had fantasies where she cheats on me and emotionally abuses me. But at the end of the day- she was still with me. She's not like this at all in real life, of course (or at least from what I know). Those fantasies were quite exhilarating for me, nonetheless. I feel kind of sick admitting this, but it's true. What can I say?
I think it stems from what I've said in the earlier entries. She is 10 times better than me in every measure- looks, intelligence, social skills, ambition. She is not replaceable, like I am. So in my fantasies, I am not replaced. At least, not completely replaced.
Sometimes, I feel like a non-entity. Here I go again with this bullshit. I know that she is just a person, but sometimes I can't help but to go into this thought process. At least the fantasies are less frequent now.