joanNherSadness

A testament to my insanity
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2023-01-24 22:43:37 (UTC)

Struggling...

I know I'm not really an interesting person, but I am pretty depressing overall. I have a lot going on in my tiny useless brain right now but it all really revolves around one dumb thing, Loss. I have this strange irrational fear of losing people. I suffer with severe anxiety amongst other awful things I will probably be writing about later. I get so easily attached and well I don't do very well with change. I am so scared of losing all my close friends I am scared they won't have time for me anymore or they don't really like me or want me around and they only talk to me because they feel bad for me. I have tried telling them this and how I've been feeling but they just don't get it. They always say they will make time for me and talk to me as much as possible but from past experiences I just don't feel like it's true anymore. I've been very depressed lately and all it has done is get worse no matter how hard I try I take my medication's and try to be there for the people I care about and be a good person. Over time I started to force happiness, but it's been slowly eating away at me and now I'm getting too weak to fake it and I just don't know what to do. One part of me is terrified of losing my friends and my lover but the other part of me keeps telling me they don't actually care about me, and they just talk to me because they feel bad. I feel I'm watching my friends move on from me and live their lives without me in them and it hurts but to me what hurts more is seeing my friends post photos of them having fun with other people and looking like their having so much more fun when I'm not around. I feel like I'm not a good person like I'm not enough and that I'm just going to lose everyone I have because of life and the maybe real lack of care they have for me.

I just wish someone else understood this or understood me.
Also, sorry if my writing doesn't make sense or if my grammar is bad. :(


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