here we go again

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2023-01-24 21:30:59 (UTC)

nothings changed - but atleast im dumber now

i have nothing to say and everything to think. i caused the mess thats around me, both literally and metaphorically. i keep putting myself in this misery. im starting to think i like it here. ive been having suicidal ideations recently. i have for a while since i was a teenager. but that was more speculative. im starting to think i might actually do it. these thoughts are much more descriptive then before. and much more constant too. but it doesnt matter. i know i wont do it. not really. i can never commit to anything. if i were to do it id probably take a bunch of pills, stab myself, then hang myself for good measure. you probably hate me. no but really how i was thinking of doing it was drowning. id like to drown i think. in the bath. i had a bath a couple days ago and practiced it. to see what it would be like. harder than i thought. i started to get extremely uncomfortable after a minute underwater and had to go up for air. i was thinking about the people i care about. and it is everybody and nobody too. i care what they think about me but i dont think about them in any other way. in terms of my personal life i care for about half a person. they have been my friend since i was 12. i cared for them something fierce. i would have probably taken a bullet for them. but they stopped caring for me when we were 18 and it tore me into pieces. we are friends again but i dont feel that same bond as before. i think its because im trying to stop myself from feeling that kind of pain again. oh god do i hate myself. i think this is the most honest ive been. and i hate myself for it. i know i shouldnt say these things. i want to escape. like in that pina colada song.

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