The lonely codependent

Is my life goal to be a victim?

To ALWAYS be a victim?

After talking to some friends and family members I think I should share what happened to me. The girl in the video is not me but my story is exactly the same: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmeMEWLDXU8

After this I keep asking myself again WHY?! I'm going to therapy, I don't even sleep at night because I listen to subconscious meditations, I haven't been going out because I want to work on myself... But all of these seem useless because my subconscious mind won't stop accepting the fact that I'm a victim and this can't be changed anymore regardless of whatever I do.

So now I'm finally able to put an emotion into words that I've never expressed before. I HATE MYSELF!

Why do I have to be my own worst enemy? Why? If I wanted to commit suicide, how could anyone dissuade me from doing that if there's nothing I can do about my situation, absolutely nothing?

I was about to write a long leter to my therapist but meanwhile I had an appointment with another doctor. I had a very ugly bump on my face. It was a bit painful but I've got that removed. Although it cost a lot of money that we don't really have at the moment, well, after all this makes me more attractive, doesn't it? But I'm sure by now that it is my subconscious and not my looks that makes people never want to treat me like an equal partner in basically anything.

I need to get separated from people again, which gives my social media break much more sense and I should take it more seriously. I think I'm gonna deactivate my account. So good luck for me, I want to finish my e-mail to my therapist asap before going to spend even more money on healthcare while I'm broke.