rotten

i don't like my mind right now

what horrible, horrible days. bunch of self loathing with a splash of body dysmorphia. dissociation, depersonalization - even a few blackouts. lots of spontaneous tears too, i can't seem to stop them. i've been listening to crappy audio books, the 'romantic escapes' series by julie caplin. they're trash really; the language is repetitive, plots are thin, characters lack substance, and the narrators always have annoying, almost unclear accents. but in their trashiness and uselessness they're ...light, and weirdly, somewhat entertaining still. the author is good at describing landscapes and decor, and there's a lot of detailed food talk in each book, which i quite enjoy. but i mean, other than those... the books are kinda ridiculous. still make me cry though, now that everything does. idk i guess the light-hearted fun is a nice contrast with all the struggling that's been going on lately. mr. a's been a pain, he tends to read too much (or just enough?) into the dark, self-deprecating memes i share on my ig story sometimes, and he's relentless. i don't wanna discuss them, i currently don't have the energy to talk to anyone, about any of this. even writing an entry feels overwhelming, yet it's something i still want to do as i know i'll feel better afterwards. so, here we go! ok, right after i've gone for a wee...

so yeah, i feel like my psyche's collapsing. today's been a bit better, i slept a lil bit in the morning and then i went to sauna and shaved my legs. there's also a new episode of 'antin koulumatka' on spotify, so that makes me happy as hell. i got some groceries, and another thing; my period, lmao. that made me question whether the last few days has just been the f'd up comeback of pms? years ago i used to always flip out, have blackouts and go completely insane during pms, but then it calmed down and for years now i've been doing okay, haven't really had any symptoms. haven't gone for two hours' psychotic drives while being pretty much unconscious, haven't drawn on my walls, none of that über scary business. but now... i can't deal if it starts happening again, i just can't. a while back i read through my old diaries from when i, by - funnily enough - reading my old diaries then, connected the dots and realized i flipped out ~once a month. i think venlafaxine helped then, and bupropion helps now. or at least it used to. i'm not too scared though, as like i have mentioned, i haven't slept in over two weeks. so, is it any wonder i'm flipping out? i wouldn't be surprised if i went to an actual psychosis, i think i've been bordering one already. that's why i haven't been writing; it never goes well when i go near a device when i'm... not here. when i'm not present, when i'm not ...around, not myself, any of that. i hid all the posts on the blog i had previously and deleted the link from my ig, but while i hid them, i went through some. actually the whole thing was sparked by me re-watching 'all the bright places' (which, btw, i'm not sure was a good idea, when i was already completely out of it, hating myself and my life, and feeling desperate with the way my mind works - or more like doesn't...) and remembering i had written about it but couldn't remember when and where. i checked this diary first, which says enough about where my head was, as the actual post was on my old blog and three years old, lmao. anyway, i was embarrassed about the things i had written on there and how public it was, so i decided to turn them all into drafts again, aka unpublish them. made me feel at ease. i had written about my mental health quite a lot, and now that i'm doing so much worse again, i don't feel comfortable having those things there for anyone to find and read. it's easier to think people know how nuts i can be once i'm doing better, but when i'm in the middle of the nutsness, i... i don't know. makes me feel too vulnerable and attention-seeking, makes me feel like i might be forced to talk about things i don't wanna talk about with people i don't wanna talk to about them. not that people often brought up my old blogposts, usually nobody did even at the time that i was writing them, but y'know. i don't wanna risk it, as life's shitty enough as it is.

the title of this entry is the first lyric of linkin park's 'heavy' - i've been listening to their last album a lot again. i love that album, it's so... comforting. which i know is such a fucked up thing to say, as the whole album is basically a suicide note, but i find it hella comforting. there are so many great lyrics, the songs are just angsty enough. they hit the spot, so to say. i've had many moments when i've been outside, listening to 'one more light' while freezing, looking at the sky, searching for the big dipper / starry plough / otava. i love the big dipper - you can always find it, if it's not too cloudy. it's "circumpolar", on the spring sky and the fall sky, visible here around the year, it doesn't hide from us folks up here in the north. it moves and twirls around but it's always there when you look up, and that's beyond lovely to me. grounding. i also love the belt of orion (because it's easy to find lol) but that's only visible during the winter months, from september to march if i recall correctly, so. i'm not planning on taking a tattoo of that one, hah, but i *am* planning on having dubhe, merak, phecda, megrez, alioth, mizar and alkaid on my skin at some point, in some form. i've started thinking about adding some linkin park lyrics to it, but idk. i don't think i could ever decide on a lyric, their whole discography is so dear to me. i wish i could tattoo a melody, a feeling somehow. that'd still be a tough choice though, but the options would be more limited.

i have the 2/3 adhd rehab follow-up meeting tomorrow. j made me write a list of things i wanna bring up - i didn't though, i only said i did. i couldn't force myself to do it, but we did discuss it so i'm now under the illusion that i'll remember the things i wanna say. but i'm gonna try and not use humour as a defence mechanism while saying how much everything sucks rn. i'll probably fail, but i'm gonna try. i'm gonna discuss my insomnia and the fact that even though it's taken a turn for the worse, so, so so so much worse, i don't quite see the point in contacting anyone about it. it's been 18 years and nothing's helped, there's no magic pill, there's no more tests or anything anyone could offer me. nothing can be done, basically whenever it gets harder i just need to suck it up harder. so i wouldn't even know what to say if i called the policlinic. if anything, i hope i could get some financial support. for the travel card, so that i could continue visiting the paja. i feel like going there helps, and it's annoying that it doesn't count as rehabilitation. like not really. idk. everything feels pointless and i feel desperate. and it's snowing, again, all the time. my car's white again, and that's frustrating. if i don't sleep tonight i'm gonna try and go to the paja right when it opens, so at 10 o'clock. for the silent reading group - oh, that reminds me, i gotta recharge my headphones... anyway. the rehab follow-up is at 1pm, i hope the snowing will stop before then so i could walk there from the paja. it's like a 20 min walk i think. i'm trying to decide what to wear, i wish i still had that huge, comfortable jumper i used to live in ten years ago. nowadays my clothes are better fitted, and on days when my self confidence is mega low, that sucks. maybe a dress? the black flowy buttoned up dress-shirt one? will i freeze to death? do i wanna try another pair of lashes? i don't know. i wish i never had to leave my apartment again. then again, i wish i never had to come back to this apartment again - why oh why can't i get any cleaning done? i really want to, and i want to cry because i still can't seem to get myself to do it. that's just another thing i'll need to bring up tomorrow in that meeting. my head is buzzing. my brain is mush. i don't recognize my hands. why is everything so heavy?