Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
2023-01-23 06:35:07 (UTC)

doing the damn thing

So, I made it through what I believed will be one of the toughest days of my recovery. I did it, I am doing this damn thing called life, opiate free ;)

139 days today! I had a dream about Chad, and for the life of me I can't remember, I hate that. I did wake up with the feelings of being with him again, but I can't remember what we said or did...ugh, this always happens. Me and Chad used to always say whoever died first the other would come back and tell secret lottery numbers, stuff like that, we were morbid, had a sick sense of humor. I always feel like he is giving me the world secrets in my dreams and then as soon as I come back to reality my memory is wiped cleaned, but the feeling is there and I do remember being with him so I will take that~

As I was falling asleep last night, after an intense round of love making, INTENSE, I was thinking....not 1 single person called me yesterday, not 1. Hey how are you doing? I know it's a rough day for you are you ok? I just wanted to check in, you ok? just letting you know I am thinking of you today

nothing, nada, zilch, zero, void

but before I started feeling sorry for myself, I reminded myself that I didn't call 1 single person yesterday either so there's that.

Why does that bother me so much? is it just because I would reach out to them? if I knew they were possibly stuggling, I don't know, is this normal? am I normal? or am I too self absorbed?

I don't know I just felt like this past 5 months I have opened myself up to love and......well when I felt like I needed it the most it never came, but like I said, I also acknowledge that I didn't reach out either.

I didn't need to, other than the morning anxiety/panic attack I was fine, Mike was here all day, Kimberlee was here until she had to work, so I wasn't alone.

People posted on facebook, sending love and hugs, but my parents? sister? one could call, oh stop feeling sorry for yourself, this doesn't mean no one loves you so send that thought back to hell where it came from...but do you see how it could happen????

that thought was there, for a brief second just before falling asleep....they don't love you, they don't care about you, it doesn't fucking matter...boom, oh but I already got rid of this thought, put it out of my head, ripped it up and threw it away, so why when the very first thing that triggers me emotionally it's there again??? This is fucked up, but I didn't let it stay in my head, sure people are busy in their own lives, my parents lost their first grandson, maybe I should have called and checked on them. I don't know where all this is going, it's just fucked up how my brain ran to the first fucking thought that had me all fucked up in the first place

Anyways, the thought is gone and just for safety measure, I wrote it down, ripped it up and threw it away again, hey maybe it's something I'm gonna have to do every 5 months, or maybe I could just make a habit out of doing this once a month just to make sure it stays away.

This morning I am feeling fresh, grateful and happy to be alive.

I am also feeling goofy, I just sent Mike a text as he is already at work "hey your other job called and want to know if you can work tonight?"

he was "what??? my other job?? what are you talking about?

I just text back 'the bean factory bahahah'

He tells me every night, listen before you come in here don't think I can do this every night all the time, I'm not really Superman, I insist I just came to sleep, but then he always starts, but somehow blames me. I just straight up told him I am always ready to go and I think that's all it takes. That's why I always say he can't resist my beauty, it's not because I think I am such a beautiful goddess or anything, it's just that he makes me feel like I am.

I seriously think things will end up being good with us and everything just goes back to normal, but now I think I have uncovered why he is dragging his feet at a 100% reconciliation, I just opened the blinds and now the Mike that I was married to before September 6th 2022 would have shoveled the snow off of my car for me, but apparently the Mike that I am currently married to but 'separated' from doesn't do other people's snow, so yeah I am on to him now, just kidding, but yeah. Who does that? scrapes someone's car off for 11 years then just stops???
We will definitely be having a talk tonight when I get home from work. Just kidding, I just took all the things he did for me for granted, I did notice everything he did though.