⚡ Silent Thunder ⚡

⛈️ The Storms Within ⛈️
2023-01-23 05:32:01 (UTC)

Things I Don't Talk About..

I took today off work...Not something I can really afford to do, but the idea was to spend the next three days immersed in an art project. Hopefully letting me focus on something more positive than the way I have been feeling lately.

I can at least say I tried today...
It wasn't much, but I was practicing how to quill, and made the above ornament. It took me forever, and I wish the quills were tighter, more even. But not bad for my first attempt.

Also, Bryan and Corey were both very clingy today. Bryan made enchiladas for dinner, which was a nice treat. Then Corey wanted to play a game of Cards Against Humanity. So while we ate and played we binge watched the series on Netflix; Keep Breathing.

It was decent. But all I could think as I watched the woman journey through the Canadian wilderness after her plane crashed, was... maybe that's what I need. Because as she had to survive, she also had to deal with some of her personal issues.. related to her parents, as well as ex friends and lovers. As she dealt with all that, she was able to overcome a lot of physical and emotional obstacles.

Maybe I don't need to be put in a life or death situation, but I do need time to just get away from everyone and deal with all the shit going on in my head...

I haven't written about it... I haven't really known what to say about it or even how I feel about it, but this past Thanksgiving, my father passed away... for real. It's not just me expelling him from my life.

The strange thing.. Just as it happened with my grandfather, I knew he was dead because he came to me. Although with my dad it was more like a dream. I can't remember what it was exactly, but I remember feeling his energy. When I woke up I called him... No answer, and then searched Facebook..It took a couple of days, but eventually my cousin posted something about the funeral arrangements. It was all the confirmation I needed. I didn't try to call or anything. I just let it be. I don't go by my actual name on Facebook, so it's doubtful anyone could find me if they even wanted to.

The thing is..There is a part of me that is glad he is dead. All the abuse and horrors he put me through growing up, the man didn't deserve the air in his lungs. I should be happy?? Why am I not happy???

Also I have been dealing with the fact that Corey wants to move out and go to college. I have been selfishly holding him back from getting his GED. He needs to take classes at the local community college because the online thing wasn't working. He needs an instructor that can help him study and answer questions.. I've tried, but the lessons are a lot different than they were when I got my GED.

I tell myself I just can't afford the classes... Money is always tight, but I have always found a way when it comes to his needs. I just haven't really been trying to find a way for him because once he leaves, I may never see him again.

I have these horrible nightmares...not at night but when I am awake. Don't know what that is called..Day terrors??

Sometimes it's terrifying. From the time I got pregnant I this fear of someone hurting him and I was too far away to help.

I have no doubt that the fear comes from the way I grew up. I have kept Corey close to me all his life.. ensuring that no harm would come to him. Now he wants to go away, and I fear those terrors will become a reality.

Other thoughts I have had...were of him just not being there. Like he just vanishes without a trace. No one can tell me what happened or where he is. He is just gone.

Most of the time I have these thoughts while I am out walking, or shopping.. doing normal things...Hell I even have the thoughts at work...and I end up sneaking off to the restroom to call and check on him. It's always a sigh of relief when I know he is fine. But I worry about when the day comes that he doesn't answer.

And then on an opposite note...
I have this idea in my head that people are just supposed to disappear... Because everyone does.

I don't remember what the conversation was about...Oh yeah..

Corey was telling me that his friend's parents are getting a divorce, and his friend is having a hard time....

I had trouble with this one, because I don't understand why the kid is upset. I never understood why Corey was upset that his dad and I got divorced? In my mind, as long as he is taken care of, the bond between a mother and father is none of the kid's business. Maybe I just don't get it because I never had to deal with it? Makes sense I guess.

But then, Corey said something about that he would be devastated if Bryan or I died. I don't remember what prompted that statement, but it both surprised and confused me.

I mean, everyone wants to be remembered I guess.. What's wrong with me? I can't figure it out.

I haven't been sleeping well lately... That's probably part of it. I somehow got tendonitis in my feet.. that's been keeping me up a lot lately..but also the normal aches and pains of getting old makes sleep damn near impossible. I'm exhausted.

I did order the CBD gummies.. A coworker recommended the brand Five. They have a special offer to get them free..just pay shipping on first order. It only came to around 10.00. Not bad. I hope it works.

Well I guess I'm gonna try to rest. I took some ibuprofen and am getting a bit drowsy.