no name
2023-01-22 19:40:42 (UTC)

Roar the band.

With the finishing of Kimetsu No Yaiba.
And the conclusion of last nights service.
The current plot of IHHOP.
And the mobile games I’ve been playing.

Things feel a bit bland. I don’t quite feel like doing anything new. I think I’ll just check my schedule, pack my stuff, and do my hair. I’m experiencing the after effects of staring at screens in the dark of my room.

I’ve had my curtains mostly closed the entire day, I’ve only been awake since 12pm anyway.

Had some stuff to eat. Haven’t drank any water. Feeling unhealthy. Said I’d go back to learning language and exercising after this testing period but I honestly don’t see my myself actually learning French consistently. Or any of the other stuff for that matter. Exercise is something that never had to stop, I was just being too emotional and lazy.

In any case. I need my headphones and glasses. I still haven’t expressed how I felt about yesterday though. I was planning on writing but I just forgot.

To Do:
-get stuff from that car
-check sched
-do hair

They were all doing things around me and I felt very out of it. Because I didn’t feel anything. Of course I claim and did fully believe that I had it. But I don’t speak in tongues anymore. I hate being in places like that, surrounded by people who know what they’re doing and what they want. And they’re sure of it. It makes me feel like I should just leave. Because I don’t know anymore. Because I feel pressured, so pressured to try doing the same but I don’t WANT to. I don’t want to be in the same room. I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to go home. But then, I realized, the same people would be there too.

I hate this feeling. I’m probably gonna go to hell.

I feel ugly. I feel so fudging insecure, even on my own, so easily embarrassed, that I can’t pray out loud.

I’d rather die than think about any of this.
But what else is there.
Without the distraction of content. And school. And social worries. And everything in between.
My relationship with God is horrible.
I’m a failure in this fact.
And I don’t want to do anything anymore.
Nothing feels real anymore and I’m not sure it ever did feel real.
Just feels like I’m here. But not here. No changes are made. Nothing new happens. Nothing important.

I type here again. Just like before. In the dark of my room. Now new and different and quieter, and yet still empty and gloomy. The glow of my phone. The pain in my neck. The tapping from my fingers. It’s all the same. School tomorrow. Cold toes. And somber music.

Nothing ever really changes.

I’m still friends with her. And her. And I haven’t gotten any new connections like I’d ranted about wanting before. I haven’t changed my routine in any major ways. At least I’m caught up in school.

I don’t really use any Christmas gifts I got, aside from the clothes and perfume. It’s all so strange. For so much time to pass. A whole year. Or 2, I really wouldn’t be able to tell. And I’m still in the same place, just with different tasks to procrastinate doing. Time passes quickly. And emotions are fleeting. Still.

I don’t think other people can solve this kind of thing.

There’s no reward for continuing to live. I think you have to create them. I have family to fill that, but I didn’t earn it. One day, they may not have time for me anymore. And then I’ll rely on entertainment and reach a block again. What is my life really?

For others? I have nothing to give. I just want to receive. Is that selfish. Yeah.

There are things to do.
Things I could do.
But I think I’ll just read. And listen to music. Once I’ve done everything.

Clean room. Get items. Type thing. Shower. Do hair. Prepare stuff for tomorrow. And ask her to pick me up if she can tmrw. Read.

And then tomorrow, I’ll exercise. And consume some French audio stuff.

I kind of want to die.