Life of secrets
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2023-01-22 08:14:30 (UTC)


Haven’t updated in a while…. No real reason. I’m still alive.

Still no luck with finding a house. We did find one we fell in love with but they offered it to someone else. I truly thought we had a good chance of getting it. But no negotiation was offered and it was just a real letdown. We are both gutted. Nothing else has caught my eye since.

Frank the hamster is doing good. He had some reiki done on him last week (as did I). It’s helping me a lot. I’ve had a shift in my thinking / feeling around getting pregnant. Im sort of at peace with the whole situation, or I’m coming to peace with it. Either way, it’s better than obsessing over it and not being able to be around a single pregnant person. I can’t explain how I feel about it all now. Obviously I still want a baby but the desperation is gone.

Frank got treated for anxiety. Of course.

My New Year’s resolution hasn’t started yet. I did attempt it. I went to the gym once. Didn’t go back again. I’d like to start it all up again tomorrow. Healthy eating and working out. I’m just getting bigger and I don’t want to see anyone because I’m convinced they are thinking that I’m fat and it’s embarrassing. I’m a size 12 but I’m also just under 5 foot. The fat has nowhere to go! And I’ve never been a size 12 before. In fact, I could be going onto a 14…. Horrendous. I used to have so much self control but it’s gone. I’ve been so unhappy, I allow myself to have anything I want, if just to feel good for a split second.

Aside from that, everything is ok(ish). My husband has actually been really good to me. Like… there’s been a huge shift. It’s not exactly how I’d like a relationship to be but it’s better. Like, he’ll get off his arse to do something for me, SELFLESSLY. And he’s been calling me babe and baby which stopped when I left him and never came back until now. He talks to me now like I’m an actual human being and seems to respect me a lot more. I’m not used to it. Half the time when I speak I’m expecting him to get pissed off and I regret saying a word. But now it just flows into a conversation.


Isn’t it sad that normal feels like more….