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Getting out into the world
January 20th, 2023:
Today I had a job interview at a supermarket. It went pretty well. I had to re-apply online because I had applied full time and they weren’t hiring full time for the position I applied for. So I re-applied for the same position part time. I kind of realized how not good at socializing I have become. I mean I don’t think I was too awkward but I definitely was more nervous than I should have been. I talked to two people (two managers). They were both pretty nice so that was cool. I also drove home which was quite stressful. I have driven several times but I’m still not very comfortable on the road, especially on busy roads. I probably shouldn’t have driven home. There was some roadwork I had to drive through and I’m not good at following directions.
Anyway, I’ve still been searching for a job and this was the first interview I’ve had so that’s good. I also did some yard work at our place. It was pretty physically taxing but not too bad.
I recently have kept feeling like I’m stuck in my head. Like I don’t know how to be who I’m supposed to be. Which I guess is a man. I’m not strong though. I need to get stronger. I just feel like there’s still some unresolved issues and maybe that’s why I can’t fully be myself. The thing is I don’t even know how to resolve my issues. I don’t even know to what extent my issues affect me but I guess I’m just ignoring them at this point.
I kind of wish I was different. I wish I didn’t feel emotions so much. I feel like I wasn’t meant to live in this world. Sometimes I’m just so f***ing stressed. I hate it. But I don’t know what to pursue so for now I’m just going to get whatever job I can, even if I don’t like it. I mean I’m not going to work at some fast food place like McDonald’s or Burger King because my mom wouldn’t let me.
I’m still just trying to figure out how to survive in this place and how to do so while keeping sane. Music helps the most probably. I also watch quite a bit of YouTube like many people. I wish I could stop overthinking so much. My mind is such a weird place. Man sometimes I wish I could just sleep forever.
-Stopped writing at 11:30pm