barefoot & barely lifelike
2023-01-20 23:17:35 (UTC)

emotional turmoil

another sleepless night last night. i debated taking a shower until it was 7am and i finally did it. the initial plan was to take the last nr. 30 bus to paja, to be there right when the doors opened, but i decided to wear the lashes again and took my sweet time with the skin care routine too... and took w for a longer walk than i usually do in the morning. her hormonal butt was happy i didn't rush her on her sniff-sniff mission, haha. she's been so pathetic, adorable and annoying, poor thing. rn she's glued to my side wanting to be pet, which is very unusual. (i'm so touched that i'm typing this with my right hand only...) i had a clothing crisis before i left the house - the less i sleep, the more intense my insecurities get. i think it's fairly logical, but it sucks all the same. i've been doing relatively okay with my body image and the way i look lately, but these past few weeks have been rough. not that i'd ever feel *good* in my own skin, but it's been a neutral issue. like i just put on some clothes that i feel are comfortable, the hair's fine as long as it's not too greasy, the amount of makeup depends on what mood i'm in and/or how much time i have. that's it. but now... idk. i hate how it keeps getting colder and less cold and colder again, snowing and raining and snowing again. i hate how one moment it's wet and disgusting and then slippery and annoying the next. the finnish spring weather sure is just as fun as, well, something that's not fun at all. i hate it. but i mean eventually i just went with whatever i was wearing, and when i arrived at the paja i was so anxious i spent the first 30 minutes sitting in the kitchen by myself. the back of my hair suddenly felt greasy af (i opted for not washing it when i showered, dunno why i ever do that. i never end up regretting washing my hair but i almost always regret *not* washing it. yet still... sigh) and i regretted wearing a real bra, the top i wore kept rising up and ughh. but then j came up and asked me to join her in the atelier, so i did. and the day got better.

i signed up for a trip to the opera, and we planned the art exhibition that we're having in may. i got nothing done - as per usual. i don't even have any ideas what i might do. maybe collage poems with some visual backgrounds? it's been so long since i last painted / drew anything. the creative block is real, and it's been on for years. every time i try and create something i end up hating it, unless it's like a crafts project. maybe i should do a sculpture? i have no fucking idea. i think i seemed about as anxious as i felt, because o kept giving me funny looks. or then i just imagined it - he didn't say anything. i don't think i sat down in the lobby once today, which is kinda weird. but the guy j had her beef with was parked there, so that's mostly why. i feel like i followed j & j around like a puppy today - although j said that yesterday the paja sucked, so i guess she was happy that i was there. maybe we were actually being puppies together, lol. we even spent a moment in 'the offing' painting our nails - it felt like a torture though. i really don't like the person who's in charge of the makeup & nail polish group. it's kinda sad because i think i'd enjoy it otherwise, i just can't stand her. every time she opens her mouth it's always something that makes me grid my teeth. she's arrogant, loud, self-centered and lacks social skills; perhaps the worst combination of all. the fox boy from the peer group leader training crew visited today, i wish i'd gone and chatted with him. i hope somebody did. he's peculiar but i still like him, and i hope that if i start the improvisation etc group he'll join it. at the end of the day i sat down with the third j (i think i'll call them je, ju and jo, haha. so jo) in 'the forest' - he is seriously so nice, such a nice guy! genuine and open, smart and daring. i hope i get to know him better. we discussed the cards i mentioned in yesterday's entry; he has one and had booked tickets to go see the philharmonic orchestra tonight. i really wanna start going to those kinda things too, i'm so fed up with spending all my nights home alone. okay mi and i decided we'd have a haircutting party next week, but i mean. that's still just one night. if i could just go to all kinds of cultural events whenever i felt like leaving behind the mess that is this apartment, that'd be grand. i learned that jo has seven younger siblings - makes sense considering his background - and where he's lived previous to this town. i think we would've continued talking if it wasn't the closing time (cloosiiiiiing tiiiime... ok i'll never get rid of this song now), but oh well. perhaps another time. luckily he too is quite a frequent visitor.

i took a bus from and to 'sori' today, so it was truuuly a lazy one. when i got home i took a nap - i tried to limit it to two hours, but i think it ended up being like four. it's okay, i just have a feeling i won't be sleeping again anytime soon... i should go to the store though, i'm about to be out of w's toothbrush stick thingies, and she's used to getting one everytime i leave her here alone. i also need to buy: cheese. karelian pies? bread? something like that. soda, oj or energy drinks, for those moments when i'm too nauseous to eat anything but still need energy. some fruit, maybe mandarins or clementines, pears? hmm what else? maybe that's it. i made the squash and feta cheese dopamin dish again tonight - i feel like i actually *owed* dopamine to that dish, lmao. it's so weird, that one's been around for so long! maybe it's because i never have it many times in a row, only like. once a month or once every few weeks or so, so maybe that's why i still haven't gotten bored with it? either way i'm happy to still have it, as it's quick and easy and not that expensive. doesn't have much nutritional value i'm sure, but idc. it's food, and i'm done labeling food good or bad or healthy or unhealthy or whatever. it's food. i sometimes consider drinks to be food too, if it's necessary. sometimes it is. the adhd mental blocks are wild, man!

my girl m and i had scheduled a phone call for tonight - i ended up napping through that appointment, lol. though she didn't call either as something turned up, so it worked out fine. we'll probably talk tomorrow. at least i hope so. maybe i'll even get some cleaning done while on the phone? one can always hope. she'll probably ask how it went with i, and how i'm feeling about everything with s. and honestly i'm not sure (except that today they wore a shirt that made them look even better than usual), it's been weird lately. i think i'm avoiding them. i mean my brain hasn't stopped keeping tabs, i'm usually aware of their whereabouts at the paja still. i can't stop that from happening, so i guess there's still something in the air, even if it's just confusion. i'm trying to allow the feelings to just *be*, exist. in peace. not overthink it, not add any pressure. not make an idiot out of myself everytime they're near... like i've said, they're an easy target because nothing could ever happen and that has nothing to do with me, who i am, my looks or what i'm like, so that's kinda comforting. i'm trying not to go past the first limitation, trying to keep myself from thinking about all the reasons why they'd never go for me or why they'd be 'out of my league' or whatever, because that literally doesn't matter. and i hate the whole concept of 'leagues' anyway, it's ridiculous and disgusting. our own projections about others say nothing about what kind of people they might be interested in, and our perceptions of ourselves usually aren't realistic, not to mention kind. putting everyone else on a pedestal and feeling unworthy ourselves serves absolutely no purpose. deciding for others who they would or wouldn't 'go for' only based on our own insecurities and learned, shitty societal "norms" or "standards" is total bullshit, so i'm trying to unlearn as much of it as i can. i'm training my brain like it was a mf'ing pokemon, and i'm using this thing i have for s to do it. maybe one day i'll be able to have feelings for someone again; i mean someone who's not bound by moral codes to keep their distance from me, haha. we'll see.

i've again been baffled by people's ability to put theirselves out there. most of the other paja visitors are so brave and courageous, doing things i'd never have the audacity to do - tbh the fact that i feel any of it even takes audacity is probably ridiculous to others. but like... just creating things and letting others see them. the confidence, feeling comfortable enough, all of it is just. incomprehensible to me. i truly am set face-to-face with my own shame every day at the paja. i'm ashamed to even sign up for things, to let others know i'm interested in things. to admit i'd enjoy doing something, going somewhere. everything embarrasses me, everything makes me feel ashamed, i always feel ridiculous putting myself out there, trying things, admitting i care, taking up space - no matter what it is. i truly am the embodiment of "i'm sorry i exist" and it's so not funny. i'm so tired of all the shame and unworthiness. but how do i get rid of it? how do i start trying to see value in myself when i simply don't? how do i unlearn what i've learned i should think about myself? after all it's just things others have always expressed they see in me. i'm embarrassing, i'm ridiculous, i think too much of myself - no matter how little that actually is, it's still too much. i'm disgusting, i'm filth, i'm nothing. i don't deserve to be happy, comfortable or enjoying life or the things i do. i shouldn't like people so they wouldn't get the ick learning that someone like me likes them. i shoulldn't expect things from others, wish for anything or have any kind of dreams. it would be arrogant and plain stupid of me to think that i'd deserve something good, or someone good - or anything/anyone *at all* actually. how do i unlearn all the messages i've received throughout my life? how do i unlearn things that are genuinely true to me, my only truth? because i mean my brain fully believes all this. i might tell others it doesn't because i know it's kinda brutal and i can't deal with either the shock or the disbelief that are usually the only two reactions i get after expressing what really goes on inside my head. ughh idk. do i even need to unlearn these things? my brain keeps telling me i do, because it's not possible or logical for me to somehow be so much worse than all the other people, but uhm. that doesn't help with what i feel is true and what is not.

anyway, i'll go to the store now.