rotten

girls' night out

i had such a fun night with i! the day didn't start off great though; in the morning i was *mega* nauseous and annoyed like a bear that'd been shot in the butt, having not slept - yes, once again. it truly is absolutely bonkers, i can't wait for tuesday... anyway. i didn't make it to paja, for the second time this week. i realize it has kinda become my goal to go every day (tue-fri) and that feels nice. it's almost like i had ambitions, hah. as if. but soon i'll have to update my bus card (not that i could afford that; my mum reminded me about a car bill today, one that i had forgotten to pay. suuuuper frustrating. and it wasn't a small bill either... sigh. if the parking wasn't expensive as hell i'd drive to the paja myself). i took a short nap around noon - like 1.5 hours - then i took w for a walk, put on some makeup (second day with them lashes!) and before 5 o'clock i hopped on a bus. we went to 'cake house' because i worked from home today and wanted to get out. i had a bagel with chicken and halloumi, and then a large cappuccino with coffee&caramel cheesecake. everything was soooo good; i's mint oreo cake was amazeballs too. we chatted about this and that - she's started renting a space where she does her ceramics, and it sounded really nice. she talked about work and m, who she works with and whom we both love. i told her about the paja (because not much else is happening in my life lmao), the things i've been processing lately about the church, some realizations i've had and what i've been 'working on'. she's one of those who gets it, and so easy to talk to it heals my soul. when the cafe closed we went to this huge toy store - and managed to spend almost an hour there, lol. it had some amazing stuff, and we had so. much. fun. i have weird videos of i dancing with a stuffed stitch that was almost her size, while some 'high school musical' song (idk which one, i was never about that franchise) played in the background. other people kept staring at us, but oh well. they usually do.

once the toy store closed we decided to go for drinks before going our separate ways. it was a nice pub that was very quiet when we got there, and the bartender kept eavesdropping and laughing at our dumb conversations. we both had huge glasses of red wine - i couldn't decide so i just had whatever she was having, and it ended up being the perfect choice. at some point people started turning up, and! suddenly, a wild Sinikka Sokka appeared! to the table right next to us! oh god, i was so starstruck i almost died. i just stared at her with my eyes wide and kept hissing "ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod" to i, lol. she suggested i go and talk to her, but like i told her; there's no way. that woman's a national treasure, and i don't do meeting celebs. i don't think i'd voluntarily communicate with anyone, no matter who it was, how much i loved them or admired their work. okay, perhaps if a 'natural' situation came up, i might compliment someone's performance, but that's it. never meet your idols and all that, y'know? also i'm deeply ashamed of my parasocial relationships, because i'm deeply ashamed of everything. so yeah, there was no way. soon like half of the cast of 'anastasia' the musical had arrived, but none of the others affected me the way SS did. i remember when i went to see the musical with k, i *cried* the first time i heard her voice on stage. it's so nostalgic to me! she was a huge part of my childhood after all. my friend i of course didn't even recognize her, lmao. shame on her. anyway, the night ended with me deciding not to pee at the pub and then running home from the bus stop with a legit fear of peeing my pants - i made a disturbing ig story about the whole thing, because that's just who i am as a person. gosh i pity everyone who follows me on ig...

i wish i saw i more often, we always have such a nice time and so much to talk about - she's just a busy bee. i kinda wish i was too, but then again no. i've become aware of the fact that i'm really not in condition to work atm. i'll need to contact someone, somewhere. i'm just not sure who and how exactly... but i definitely need more support rn. i've heard about all these cards; a swim card that allows you to go indoor swimming a lot cheaper, a card that'd be 45 45 euros worth of financial support to use on your public transport card, and this culture pass thingy, that'd let you into museums and concerts and theater and shit! i really need to look into those. i'd have company to those kinda things too, and that'd be more than nice as i still hate doing things alone (except for occasionally going to the movies by myself, but that shit's become so expensive that na-ah). anyway, i'll start a conversation about my options on tuesday when i meet with the adhd coach. i think i need to call my doctor too - or the reception of the clinic. i wonder what i'm supposed to say? hi, hello there, i'm doing terribly, could i please have some assistance? i don't know. but something's gotta change.