The lonely codependent

Addicted to you no more
2023-01-20 18:48:26 (UTC)

First date of the year

I was not really ready to do this this year yet but the situation just came so today I had my first date of the year. I had some errands to run during the first half of the day so I thought everything would go well and without too much stress.

Well, not quite as I managed to confirm that Murphy's law works under these circumstances, that is, what can go wrong will go wrong. One of the difficulties I'm still facing right now is my financial crisis so I'm left with almost no money by the end of the day but that's fine. Despite this I was trying my best to bring the best out of myself without getting stressed out, but the truth is that I did get stressed out. I lost one of my earrings on my way to the city so I stopped to buy a pair of new ones. I was not happy because I already started to feel that yet again God is not happy about me doing this. We will not be friends this way, although he's kinda sent me his delegation in the form of my new Christian friends to make peace. Many people say maybe I should just leave this whole thing and the timing up to him but I just can't. My fear of missing out is too strong so I can't let go.

Then I had some problems with public transport, that was ok too, things like this happen. But it was kinda annoying when my phone died so I could not contact the guy right before the time of our meeting. Thank God we were going to meet in a mall so there I had the opportunity to charge my phone.

From then on things were ok, I can say. I had a nice chat and realized that I'm much more open and able to function without huge expectations than before. After all dating should be all about this, having fun and getting to know each other, right? Not always anything more. So all the fuss I still make about it is still not healthy.

That was a good evaluation test, as it turns out I'm still much more codependent than I should be. Meanwhile my Messenger broke down last night for a while and now it's sending some messages that are not relevant anymore so if God wants to influence this story in any way, he definitely can now. (I can't tell any predictions for the future yet if you ask me, at least I don't have any positive signs at the moment).

As for my fears, today we also dug one step deeper with my therapist before this whole thing happened. Hopefully one day I'll be able to let go...

It was quite a tring day, both physically and emotionally so I'm glad to rest. Meanwhile I also had a chance to enjoy my alone time on the bus back home without my family problems. That was awesome. So was talking to my friend when I was not quite on top of the situation. I had not been able to do this before due to the lack of close friends. So this year did not start so badly after all, I'm sure we will be able to get through it somehow.


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