Bruce

BDW's recovery from Parental Abuse
2023-01-20 21:38:08 (UTC)

Parentification = Abuse

As a part of my therapy and reading, I was made aware of a term for a type of child abuse, called Parentification.

Parentification occurs when parents look to their children for emotional and/or practical support, rather than providing it. Hence, the child becomes the caregiver. As a result, parentified children are forced to assume adult responsibilities and behaviors before they are ready to do so. In addition, they do not receive acknowledgment or support for taking on these responsibilities. https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/mental-health/parentification/

In my life, the parentification started when I was 12/13 years of age, that I can positively identify. It was at this time, when the routine drunkenness started with my stepfather and the routine fighting between him and my mother began in earnest. It is also the time when I can first remember my mother having manic episodes of alternating raging and depressive behaviors. These involved physical, verbal and emotional abuse towards my siblings and I, plus threats of suicide by my mother. For whatever reason, it was also at this time, that I became my mother's unofficial confidant and marriage therapist, which continued until I finally told her I would not listen to it anymore, well into my forties. This type of behavior is classified as "emotional parentification". At the brink of junior high school, I was put in a position of advising her on her marital issues, and exposed to her intimate life, not just by her. My stepfather's nickname for my mother was "Puss or Pussy".

Also around the same time, I was put in a position of assuming too much responsibility for practical things. As an aside, I believe in children doing "chores", to learn practical skills. The responsibilities I had thrust upon me went way beyond chores. Both me and my sister, were made to do most household tasks, such as laundry, cooking & cleaning, etc. The house we lived in was also what would now be considered as bordering on squalor or a hoarder type of house. My parents not only did not live cleanly or hygienically, they did not clean or pick up after themselves. When I was 15 years of age, my mother took me before a municipal judge to get a "Work Permit" and a driver's license. She worked at an employment agency, and I immediately was placed into employment at a nursing home. I was an orderly and in this role, I was cleaning up from people and cleaning dead bodies - at 15 years of age! I finally could not take it anymore and quit. I was immediately told I must get another job and was lucky to go to work at a hamburger place with a good and caring owner. As a child, I could not open my own bank account, so my mother was on mine. Later, I found out she had been taking money from my account to "help pay the household bills". I have no idea how much she actually took from me, but it was significant over three years. This was at the same time, that she and my stepfather were buying bass boats, new cars, electronics, alcohol, etc., et al.

In junior and senior high school, many people commented on how serious I was and how I acted very adult-like. I absolutely was this as a child, I was carrying the emotional and practical load of an adult. In fact, looking at this as a 58 year old man, I was the only fully functional adult in the house. I was the person trying to protect my younger siblings when the alcohol infused fights happened, or when my mother had one of her frequent manic rage/attacks. I even tried to protect her, when my drunken stepfather would start physically attacking her - a very bad decision for a 5'2" boy to do. Beside the physical beatings I absorbed, my mother would then turn on me for "ruining or family". or "putting us at risk of not having a home". On top of this, I was pushed into working way too early, in an workplace that was not good for a child to be in. My education suffered and I could no longer do things that other kids took for granted.

The effects on me were profound. There were real, physiological consequences of this, neurologically. I had and to a degree still have, issues with identifying and regulating my own emotions. This is due to brain changes in the hippocampus, that abuse as a growing child causes. I have really worked on therapy and reading to address these over the years. I can look back now and understand that growing up too fast, enmeshed in the chaos of our family, pushed me to desire stability, love and acceptance more than anything else. The fear of abandonment, the need to escape and the feeling of not being loved, were prime drivers. My in-laws even were worried that I was just wanting to escape and not really in love with my now wife (their daughter). They were right in I wanted an escape and normality and they were wrong that I did not really love her. Forty years later, my wife and I have overcome hardships, usually centered on me. We have raised two great children, who did not grow up being abused, and were allowed to be kids.




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