Bruce

BDW's recovery from Parental Abuse
2023-01-20 19:12:24 (UTC)

Emotional Immaturity

I am in the midst of reading a book, "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". In the second chapter, the author lays out fifteen hallmarks of emotional immaturity, as an exercise. I worked through the exercise, with the focus being on my mother. The results were not surprising, but were impactful. Of the fifteen characteristics for an adult that is emotionally immature, my assessment of the my mother ticked off fourteen of them.

1. My parent often overreacted to relatively minor things. - Absolutely she did this and still does this. A minor issue was often met with either an explosive rage or with a fall into deep depressive actions. Her typical responses were all emotionally based, without really looking at things logically.

2. My parent didn't express much empathy or emotional awareness. - I am probably correct that she thinks she has/does, but there definitely have been times that she clearly did not. I am 100% certain she is aware of her emotional states, but has a very hard time understanding how others feel and consistently tried to downplay the feelings of others.

3. When it came to emotional closeness and feelings, my parent seemed uncomfortable and didn't go there. - Absolutely she did this at various times.

4. My parent was often irritated by individual differences or different points of view. Absolutely she has and still does this. In particular, my mother treats my younger sister horribly. In particular, she does not accept, approve or keep her thoughts to herself about the choices my sister has made in terms of career, hobbies or even how she dresses. She has constantly berated her in private and in front of other family members. Not so much with me; that is probably because I don't care about her opinions on my life.

5. When I was growing up, my parent used me as a confidant, but was not a confidant for me. - This is partly true, but it also brings up another clear sign of child abuse - Parentification. Especially when I was a teenager and even into my adulthood, she has used me as her emotional support for the problems in the marriage to my stepfather. I became her outlet to pour out her emotions at the spousal abuse, drinking, etc. Beginning when I was 12/13, she started this with me.

6. My parent often said and did things without thinking about people's feelings. - Absolutely yes. Along with this, she is clearly socially awkward, does not understand humor very well, and has displayed a lack of understanding about personal space.

7. I didn't get much attention or sympathy from my parent, except maybe when I was really sick. - This should really be two different questions.
(A) Attention - this was hit or miss when I was growing up. There were many times, when she ignored important things in my life to do things with her friends. (B) Sympathy - I am not sure on this one. She has always been a bit hypochondriatic, medical issues seem to be a hobby to her.

8. My parent was inconsistent ; sometimes wise, sometimes unreasonable. - She was always consistent, and I have no memory of her ever exhibiting wisdom or wise choices.

9. If I became upset, my parent either said something superficial and unhelpful or got angry and sarcastic. - Absolutely, for as long as I can remember. She either spouts off sayings or gets angry and sarcastic to downplay other's feelings.

10. Conversation mostly centered on my parent's interests. - This is absolutely true. Not just conversation, but also where they invested their time, money and thoughts.

11. Even polite disagreement could make my parent very defensive. - It did and still does.

12. It was deflating to tell my parent about my successes because it didn't seem to matter. - Again, 100% spot on. If I achieved something, the conversation would then turn to either comparing or downplay the significance of the achievement.

13. Facts and logic were no match for my parent's opinions. - Yes, all the time.

14. My parent wasn't self-reflective and rarely looked at her role in a problem. - Yes, absolutely. This is particularly true of my siblings and myself. For me, I was treated badly with verbal insults, for not smiling, etc. My sister had severe behavioral issues. My mother never could see or understand that the dysfunction of her marriage, the BPD episodes she had, the alcoholic rages in the house, etc. were the root cause of the issues with her children.

15. My parent tended to be a black-and-white thinker, and unreceptive to new ideas. - I cannot see this one.

Based upon a great deal of reading and therapy, plus what I know of our family history, I am certain that her emotional immaturity stems from a combination of three things in her life. (1) I am positive there is a genetic issue in play, in terms of the BPD, which impacted her emotional growth. (2) She was raised by a physically, verbally and emotionally abusive father and a mother who at the least, was an enabler. (3) She became pregnant with me as a teenager in high school and moved immediately into a position of having to be an adult/mother. By 23 years of age, she had three small children. She never had a chance to grow up, at least emotionally. She was a damaged girl, trapped in motherhood, due to her poor choices (promiscuity).

I understand that she is mentally ill and emotionally stunted. However, these are not excuses for her abusive behaviors as a parent, but are part of the explanation. I feel that I and my siblings, are proof that these cannot be used as excuses. All three of us have long-term marriages, we have not abused our children and have good relationships with our children and our spouses. Have they and I made mistakes or poor choices in our lives, yes - everyone does. However, I know that I went to therapy and was able to work to a place where I would not continue the cycle.

My formative teenage years, under the "loving care" of her and my stepfather, were physically, emotionally and psychologically damaging to me and my siblings. Was it Hell on Earth, 24/7? The answer is no. There were times and things that were decent. However, those were greatly overshadowed by the abuse we suffered as children. In the final analysis, she has made her bed and must sleep in it. I have the choice to continue to allow the chaos and emotional immaturity, to continue to effect my life or to walk away. I consider myself an orphan now. It is not so much that I consider her dead, I have come to a realization that I never really had a mother to begin with. I will expand on this in another entry on Parentification.




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