Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
Ad 0:
Digital Ocean
Providing developers and businesses with a reliable, easy-to-use cloud computing platform of virtual servers (Droplets), object storage ( Spaces), and more.
2023-01-20 06:33:56 (UTC)

a mess

So last night I did end up going shopping after work, failure, the dresses nowadays are giving off 'little house on the prairie' vibes haha. I'm going back this weekend to a different store. I was planning on going to go to a meeting after but I forgot a friend from work father passed away and last night was the viewing. So I went there, that was challenging I will not lie. I did it tho, I took a couple of deep breaths and just went in, paid my respects, gave her a hug, looked at all the photos and him, he had a big sign across his casket "big papa" so cute. There was a photo of him in a shirt that read 'it took me 80 years to look this good' It looked like he had a great life from all of the photos.

I came home, Mike had said he wasn't feeling good so I brought home dinner, after I ate I went to go get in bed. I thought I said good night or something, but Mike said I just got in bed (with an attitude) and ignored him. He got up and went to the bathroom, I rolled over, he came back and said 'you can't even say good night? are you ok?" I honestly didn't realize I didn't, no big deal, I knew he wasn't feeling good so I was just going to go to sleep.

I was laying there, thinking, Mike used to be able to read my mind, but now he either can't tell how much I need him right now or he is blocking me, meaning protecting his heart by not reading my mind. I don't know, I have never had to verbalize a thought to him, he knows my needs, or he used to.

Finally I just rolled over to my back and said "will you cuddle me?"

nothing

complete silence

tick tock tick tock tick tock

I waited for what seemed like 15 minutes but was probably 5, I just got up and was going out to the living room. He said where are you going?
I wasn't going to say anything, but then I was doubting myself, did I say that out loud? maybe I just thought it, so I asked him

I said that out loud right? he said what? I said I asked you to cuddle me right? he said yes, ok that's all I needed I'm going on the heating pad

my feelings were hurt, I was basically rejected. I wasn't asking for anything other than a cuddle, I'm kind of going through something and I just needed him to hold me, he always said I never had to cry alone anymore now that I have his chest to cry on.

I don't know it blew up into this whole fight, where a lot of things were said by both, but honestly he said something that once he said it I told him I stopped listening right then. He said something about my diary posts, he likes them except for when I lie????

stop ok now I am not listening to anything else, where did I lie????????????

then he said I didn't lie, it's just my opinion, of course it is, it's my diary....but you called me a liar, I'm not lying about anything but yeah there is always 2 sides to every story, this is mine. It's all I have, you don't talk about your feelings.

the night ended with 'just come back to bed I will cuddle you and we can forget this night happened'



Ad:0
Digital Ocean
Providing developers and businesses with a reliable, easy-to-use cloud computing platform of virtual servers (Droplets), object storage ( Spaces), and more.