The lonely codependent

Drinking not to get stressed out

The wost part of going on a first date/job interview or even getting ready for it is the pressure that I put on myself. I feel like I'm expected to be my best self and I hate expectations because I often fail to live up to them. It causes me a lot of stress and other negative feelings.

Last year I had a quite bad first date experience. Luckily it was quite random, as I asked the guy to meet me after leaving a pub where I had been drinking with other people. As I was a bit tipsy all the bad feelings did not affect me so strongly. That gave me a very good idea in fact and since then I've decided to do things only this way from now on.

I've already experienced these harmful feelings which could even affect my physical health negatively in the long-term and I definitely can't cope with them anymore. Life has won by breaking me and I have given up. I definitely need a drink each time before facing such a situation to numb my negative feelings and fears, even if I need to make sure that nobody notices that on me later. But so far I think it's worth it. (Not as if following my example would do good for anyone else though).

My psychologist probably wouldn't want to hear this but I'm meeting him too tomorrow anyway. So it will be quite a crazy day. But please, let me not be the one who goes crazy this time, that's all I ask...