Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2023-01-19 11:57:27 (UTC)

transferring the energy

So this whole walking around all day with an explosion of energy just between my legs, you know that moment right before you climax? all that wonderful energy running through your lower body? well that's me 24/7, fuck. I have been giving into it between Mike and myself daily, but this morning I am going to try something new.

Remember I didn't always get everything they taught us in rehab, especially the first one. But I remember the rule no sexual play of any kind period, no instant gratification period. Ok, so I have to stop, I'm going to learn how to transfer this energy. This morning I meditated, prayed and I purged more shit from my guilt that still seems to live inside somewhere deep, still getting it all cleaned out, always a work in progress I say. The energy is there, 'please just touch me', I will give you all the serotonin and dopamine you need to have a great day, but that's not true, once I start the energy just wants more....I am telling you this is like a fucking drug addiction, only now instead of being lied to by my brain saying I need the norco to just live, now I am being lied to by my crotch telling me this is all I need to live, does that make sense?

Anyways, I am the one in control of my life I decide what happens to my body. So this morning instead of my normal 'guided meditation' I actually made myself do 25 jumping jacks, hey it's not much but I beat the beast this morning, so yeah there's that.

I just have to breathe deep all the way down my spine, then mentally grab some of the energy and bring it back up with my exhale, slowly spreading the energy like glitter is what I imagined in my head, it worked, I'm telling you our minds are so fucking powerful if we use them

While, I compared this to norco, it's not quite the same. I can keep this in my life and learn how to work with it. A healthy sex drive is a good thing, I just need to learn how to keep it in check. I am an addict and that comes with learning how to do things in moderation, I admit I always overdo something, like I have been nonstop listening to Jelly Roll since November, same songs over and over and over again. Well new ones by him get added occassionally, this is how I have always been.

Somebody that I used to know by Goyte, must have played that over a million times in the last 13 years

I am a creature of habit, I do the same things everyday. I do the same things every night

which is pretty lame, I come home from work everyday in a rush to see if maybe Mike wants to spend anytime at all with me, which other than making love, he doesn't so that sucks and makes me feel lame as fuck

I have no excuse for not doing anything other than I am seriously that fucking pathetic that I come home every single fucking night just waiting for a bread crumb, something, some sign, I don't know. He asked for 30-60 days, it's only been 19 days.....

Like I said I can only control myself, so instead of coming home tonight feeling sorry for myself. I want to clarify Mike isn't being mean, we aren't fighting or anything like that, we just aren't doing anything either (other than taking care of the bean haha), so yeah, it sucks. tonight I am going to go shopping after work, Mike gave me some gift cards for Christmas and then after that I'm going to go to a NA meeting, live instead of online. Different energy of being with actual people. People who are going through the exact same things as me, I need to get out there and start living life. I need to make friends and do things instead of sitting around here waiting for life to happen to me

so wish me luck on my day of transferring the energy

deep breath in, grab all the energy with both arms, deep breath out, spreading the energy like glitter all the way out

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