Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
2023-01-19 11:38:25 (UTC)

more guilt release

Another thing that keeps me up at night. Even though I know in my heart that Chad was dying and there was nothing they could do to save him, at the end, he was wearing the oxygen strip under his nose and they also had a full face mask breathing thing on him. I talked to the nurse and she said they didn't know how this kid was still hanging on, any of us and we would have been dead, it was just a matter of time. I asked her if the face mask was prolonging his life she said no nothing was, so I asked her to remove it. I wanted to be able to see his whole beautiful face, she said it didn't matter...but it did, he died MINUTES later...so I not only killed my cat, I killed my son. Yeah so I have a lot of fucked up shit guilt in my life

but like I said with Panther, I had no ill intention.....

was I selfish???? yes

after all, isn't it all about me??? I needed to see his face, his whole beautiful face not some fucking plastic mask...ugh

I seen a psychic after Chad passed, not that I put any stock into them, but at the time I was searching for anything. Without telling her anything one of the first things she said to me was she saw 'my son?' wanting her to let me know that I didn't do anything wrong and to stop thinking I did, he was at peace. I mean it was a pretty basic reading, I mean we have all lost people. It was just something that I needed to hear at the time.

Still I can't live with this guilt that my subconsciousness is obviously hanging on to, so I am writing it down and releasing it.

Bright side of life.....135 days norco free!

If you can dream if, you can do it!



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