Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2023-01-19 03:31:07 (UTC)

Dear Panther

It's only been 2 months and 5 days since you were last here with me. I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss your fluffy little sassy ass. I remember when we first saw the photo of you, your brother and sister, your brother was already taken, Mike wanted both of you but I thought you looked mean. I was so glad I decided to go back and get you, you weren't mean at all. You were the sweetest little lover boy. I remember how you always loved jumping up on me in the morning to gently (sometimes not so gently) wake me up so you could get your 5am treats. Then you would always follow me into the bathroom and play hide and seek. You seriously didn't think I could see your tail sticking out from under the shower curtain. You were the most 'unlike a cat' cat I ever knew, I mean I'm not sure what I expected from a cat, but you exceeded all my expectations. I am not saying you were perfect by any means, but you were my perfect little shit, does that make sense?

I am having such a hard time struggling with your death, it was such a senseless tragedy. I can't deal with all of the guilt. Driving to work yesterday all of the events of that day kept coming at me over and over, I just had to scream, I screamed for 5 minutes. I felt really silly driving down the expressway just crying and screaming, but it felt good at the same time. My mind is fucking with me over and over, the memories are like a bad horror flick, I want to stop looking but I can't stop the fucking movie.

you are a murder
I was supposed to protect him
I failed...again

repeat over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over

I think I am doing better, after all I can get through most days without crying, but at night every time I lay down and close my eyes, I see it happened there in that room, so all the memories come again. I cry, I can't ask Mike for comfort as he wouldn't hug me as "I don't deserve a hug" (this is what he said the night it happened after he put Panther down, I asked him for a hug, he turned away and said I didn't deserve one) so this is my own suffering I keep inside, well I can't keep it in anymore. I think this is the major part of my anxieties.

I didn't get a chance to be mad, I didn't get a chance to hate that fucking dog that killed you, I couldn't hate him. First off, that day driving home from dinner with my parents and sister, holding Kimberlee's hand and telling her we were on the way to get her dog to bring him home after having him for a year living at a friends, the look of pure happiness and joy in her eyes. She has had a hard life and she was so happy and I was so happy to be doing something so stupid as being inconvenienced by a big ass dog for a little while to make her so happy. I don't know I honestly from the deepest part of my soul never ever thought something like this would happen. How could I of not known though?

I was worried about Theo attacking, not you attacking him, I honestly thought you would be thrilled to have a friend to play with, seriously. I didn't realize this was your territory and me bringing a strange dog in here would send you into attack mode, damn you ran and hid behind the washer when the maintenance man came in (you were my brave little chicken). If I had not been so impulsive and stupid I would have done research first, I don't know, but all I know is I fucked up and it cost me my favorite cat in the whole world.

Seems silly writing a letter to a cat that is no longer here, but it seems even sillier talking about a cat that is no longer here all the time, so I keep it to myself. I can't talk to Mike because I killed his son and he will never forgive me, so I hide my pain from him. I can't really talk to my daughter about it because she ended up having to give up her baby, so she lost her baby boy too, so I hide it from her.

So I will do what I learned in therapy, write it down, get it out and let it go.

I had not 1% ill intention when I brought that dog into this house, honestly I though he would be here 3 days tops before he got kicked out due to her not taking care of him, I had a plan. I just failed.

Your sister spent 2 weeks wandering around crying for you, she now talks non stop, it's almost like she stood in the shadows just to let you shine and now that you are gone she has bloomed, like she has to be both you and her. I don't know, all I know is I love her to death and I know I promised you that I would always take care of you and I failed, but I will try not to fail her. I will love her enough for the both of us. She is a demanding little diva, needy little her mama.

I have your scars all over my body, I wear them proudly. People who don't know are like your cat did that to you, dang nice cat. Dude, he was, he was just fighting for his life and I got in the way trying to save him. I just don't want the scars to have the same meaning anymore, I don't want to remember them from how I got them, I will remember from who I got them from, just not the reason behind it.

You were the most bad ass cat and I will forever love and miss you.

The lesson I learned was first and foremost...stay the fuck away from big dogs (no shit I am fucking tramatized)

no but seriously I have a whole wider scope of empathy now, I mean before when someone's pet would die, not a big deal, it was a pet, but yeah it's not like that. I get it now. Just to clarify I never said that to anyone..ever. I just didn't get it, of course I never allowed myself to get it remember I said I always held myself back from loving animals because they die before us? well the love I had from you and for you in the 2 years we were together has been enough for a lifetime. Sure it hurts like hell not having you now, but I can't imagine not having had you and loving the fuck out of you for 2 years, it's worth these tears and this pain, and I can promise you that I will love all animals, who cares if I get my little bitty feelings hurt. So thank you for teaching me that cats are the coolest pets on the planet

Again, I am so sorry that because of my mistake our time together was cut short, you were 1 of the best spur of the moment decisions I ever made, I will always love and remember you sweet baby boy~