rotten

surprising quinky dinks

today was a wild day at the paja; first i found out i've been in the same school with one of the visitors (my years 7-9, her three years of high school), and then i learned another one kinda shares my 'dark christian past'. i got zero sleep last night, decided to make rice porridge for breakfast because why not - it's not like i didn't have the time... i was late from the paja because w is being hormonal and i couldn't get her inside in time to catch the bus i intended to take, but i got there less than half an hour late for the bujo group. i didn't get much done, like i never do (i need to get a new journal, i hate the one i currently have. the off white blank pages and tightknit back, ughh nope, can't deal), and just felt weird and exhausted. *until* the dopamine rush of the same-school -news hit, that is! we bonded over the teachers we both had in the past, all the scandals and shit that used to take place there. she said her parents still live around there, so obviously i was nosy. we babbled on and on and ooonnnn and honestly it was so lovely, although obviously super random and absurd too. later on i was at the couches / half leaning on to o, and mentioned something about my dark past. then ju (ok both of these new connections have the same first two letters, the same ones as my britney-son. i'm running out of ways to differentiate them but i guess i don't have to, as there's almost always gonna be context, so...) told me he's an ex christian too. he used to belong to this older, more strict and waaaay more conservative church, but like he said; after all he & i - and the free chuch & other churches - have more things that are the same than those that are vastly different.

i think i need to take a nap in between my diary writing lol. i'm listening to 'jazz in the background", one of spotify's own playlists, and it's making me sleepy... *takes a mental note of the playlist for later use*!
-- ohh, that was a good nap. missed a call from my girl m though, but we'll reschedule. w wants out but i'm so dang tired i really wish she could learn to take herself lmao. that'd be so convenient, and that way i wouldn't have to put on clothes and do down & up five stacks of stairs. maybe in the future? a bitch can hope. anyway. i should also eat something, as i'm a bit nauseated. i've only had lunch today and it's currently 1am, so. nausea is not surprising. and another thing that's not surprising is that my eyes hurt - it was the first 'full day' i wore fake eyelashes, and although i had taken them off before my nap, i think the glue still somehow got onto my eyeballs... not exactly a pleasant feeling, i must say. but i really like the way that pair of lashes looks/looked! i might do it again tomorrow, even if putting them on is a paaaaaain. i'm seeing i tomorrow and my curious ass can't wait. awhile back when we texted she told me she's had / will be having some major life changes happen, so i'm really looking forwawrd to hearing about those. i know her bff's baby was born recently, that must be some of the change as they are really close and spend (or at least used to spend) a lot of time together. but i think it is something else too - perhaps she's found herself a man, finally? we'll probably hit the cinnamon roll cafe that's actually downstairs from the paja, but i've yet to figure out tomorrow's logistics. i might take a bus to the paja in the morning, to attend the creative writing group (at least i hope so), then take a bus back home to quickly take w out before i gets off of work and then drive back by car. that way we can visit any place we want and i don't have to mess around with the buses to get back home eventually; where she lives is a pain in the butt for what it comes to bus routes. i will probably need to pay for some parking if we do decide to visit a cafe, but that's okay.

i've been getting to know j more and more. it's been nice, although it is a bit disturbing she says she "doesn't believe in censoring words" (and that's why she uses the r-slur and 'gay' in a derogatory way) - i'll never understand why some people insist on using slurs, in a world filled with words! but i told her there are a few i never let slide, and she said she'd respect that. idk what that means exactly though; that she'll watch her mouth around me or that she'll not take offense if i mention it to her? we'll see. it's a weird relationship for sure, but we hate the same people and like many of the same things, so i hope we'll be good. we played a half a round of yahtzee today, before she went to play mario kart and o took over. we finished the round and played one more, and it was really fun. i like that dude, and on the first round i rolled over 300 points. n and je2 were also in the room planning their role play game whateveritiscalled for tomorrow and it was interesting listening to that. sigh. it really was such a good day at the paja, i enjoyed the nice interactions and getting to know people a bit better. there are people i really don't like - like p, and he hung around for quite some time today... he seems a bit psychotic, in the literal sense of the word. and definitely lacks boundaries, he tends to say really creepy things out loud and make everyone uncomfortable. i should've left the couches sooner, before it got to the point of me truly feeling uneasy. but i had a good time talking to o, ju and k, and i was so (physically) comfortable, and tired.. but, next time i'll know better. ohhh btw, we got our peer leader hoodies today! they are very soft on the inside and that made me super happy. the logo v drew is cute as heck and other than that it's quite a neutral design, which i like. i'm glad i hadn't bought a black zipped hoodie before (i've been planning to), would not have been 'money well spent' (as i got this one for free). the hoodie is so comfortable i don't think i'll even mind being a walking billboard for the paja, haha.

my sleep's been 100% wack lately. as if that wasn't always the case, but y'know. it's gotten to a point where i know i should contact someone about it, and i will. at the latest i'll do it at my adhd rehab appointment, but i really hope i'd find the guts to make the call before that. we'll see. i missed tuesday because i was feeling so ill and nauseated - and of course it was the day we were supposed to plan for the valentine's day event. they planned without me and m had put me down for 'speed-friending'. i guess that will be okay, i just need to decide on the rules and come up with some questions beforehand, but that's not a big deal. and at least i won't feel pressured to participate if i'm the one leading the event, yelling when it's time to switch or whatever. idk how one organizes 'speed friending' or what it even is exactly, but the word feels pretty self-explanatory to me so i think i'll be okay. there were lots of other ideas too, m said we could discuss them another time; i texted her yesterday apologizing for missing the meeting. it was in my calendar and i had the freakiest feeling i'd forgotten something important but it wasn't until j mentioned it to me in a dm that i remembered. i beat myself up about it for a while, but a surprisingly short while. i think i'm on the path of making my brain realize i really don't have to do things i don't wanna do at the paja, and that nobody *actually* puts any pressure on me. it will take time but maybe we'll get there? maybe it'll actually become my sanctuary, the one place where i can allow myself to respect my own boundaries. i've been falling back to the 'i should' -thinking and mentality lately, and that's not good. i think it's mostly due to money stress and the messiness of my apartment, that it's easier to go back to fueling up the executive dysfunction (with constantly listing the overwhelming amount of things "i should be doing" in my head) than it is to ... idk what the hell one's supposed to do, but i've tried to make some conscious effort. like today i thought "i wanna get back to ty. this is ty's day. this is the day i'll finally get back to ty" and i felt quite good about it, but theeeeen i took a nap instead and now i can't even see straight lol. but i *will* do it, because i *want* to do it. i might get the apartment cleaned up soon though - te was in town (on business) yesterday and we met upfor some coffees and light shopping, and she said she'll be back next week and the week after that. if i invited her over to my place that could work as a motivating factor... inviting people over reminds me of my childhood friend s, i *really* need to have a follow-up with her too, oh god.

ok, now. food, doggo out, makeup off and then yoohoooo - under the covers.