Love, life and loss
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2023-01-18 20:54:40 (UTC)


I hate ending up writing to get stuff off my chest
But here I am
Today has been one of the toughest appointments since may 2013 when I was given 6 months to live without a transplant

And I did it by myself. Everyone is busy, everyone has a life, a job, a baby, cant take time off at short notice and so I faced it alone. I got moaned at for not taking anyone for support.

I cried my whole way home. I clipped a kerb as couldnt see through tears so had to stop for an hour
Then had to hold it together to work for a bit
Then got upset soon as work ended and keep thinking over and over what was said today

Cant even put into words what was said or how long I have left
What happens next is eating away at me
I dont want more surgery or gruelling treatment and try to work

I cant do it

The only positive in life is that my girls are dead. They wont have to go through everything ive been through or what I'm about to go through again if I want to try and survive
They will be spared the pain and heartache of health issues
The fear and anxiety
The planning to say goodbyes and they wont have to love then lose their mum

But right now I'm so broken as I decide what I want to do and which direction I want to take

Last time this happened I had raz by my side to remind me what was said at appointments
To cheer me on and help me be brave enough to keep fighting
To support me when life got too much
I'm alone now so no one to tell me what to do or guide me
No one to come to appointments and catch me when I fall
It feels so much harder this time and i couldnt even come out of my appt and phone anyone
I have people i could phone but didnt feel like I could disturb them and how do I put todays discussion into words for them??

Got told off today for not looking after myself
Told off for not eating properly and living on glucose tablets jelly babies and crap when my bloods go low rather than eating proper meals

Told off for sitting outside until late at night for hour or two. Said my body is fighting to survive every minute and being cold adds stress
Told me to stop coming to the cemetery to see my girls until summer
He has no idea
So tried to come earlier today at 7 to see if helped me get home earlier in less cold
But I'm sat here nearly 2 hours later
Feel like i cant move
No one telling me to go
No one persuading me home
Wish I had someone to come get me and just lead me out so its there choice I leave
Or someone telling me I should go home like the dr said
Someone to make that decision I leave early and it not my decision to go when i dont have to
No one knows where I am sat right now apart from one or two people so no one to help me out this mess and tell me to get out here before 11pm

Two special people reached out earlier and I said no as i was with you my girls and thought I'd only stay hour but 2 hours later still here
Sometimes I feel the cold other times dont

now I cant ask them to talk and dojt know how to get out this mess tonight

Seems only one way

I'm not sure