⚡ Silent Thunder ⚡

⛈️ The Storms Within ⛈️
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2023-01-18 17:31:44 (UTC)

Small Changes

Extra cash...
I've been playing these games on the Just Play app. My favorites are Zen Tiles and Ball Bounce.. You actually do win cash. Not enough to quit a job or anything, but over the last month that I have been playing I've gotten over 50 bucks.. I'm kind of impressed. I just used my current earnings to buy my paper shredder.. Pretty cool.

Not too much happening this morning. My feet hurt, so I've been soaking them in Epsom salt water and trying to stretch so I will be able to work tonight. I feel so dysfunctional right now.

I tried to work on my quilling project, but my hands started cramping when I was cutting the strips.. So now I am just watching TV. Boring...

As I watch my body stop working the way it is supposed to..there's a part of me that just wants to give up. Accept that this is my life now... Endless reruns of The Big Bang Theory, while sitting in bed...just waiting to die.

But...I'm also frustrated.
I watched Bryan let him self go.. When he started having problems he stopped trying to take care of himself. He told me, This is just what happens when you get old.

I called him lazy. And I had it in my mind that this only happened to him because he stopped talking care of himself. He stopped moving. I wasn't going to let that happen to me. I work my ass off. I'm constantly moving at work..bending, lifting, pushing and pulling...It's a full body workout every day. So I don't understand why my body is giving out on me. I try so hard.

I know that my eating habits are less than desirable. I told my therapist a few years ago about the problems I have with food. She called it Cibophobia.. Basically a fear of food.

I used to just fear the food made in my house because we have had a bad roach problem ever since I can remember. It's not that I am a dirty person.. I am actually a neat freak by nature...but South Texas is full of roaches.. they are unavoidable.

But over the last few years my phobia has gotten worse... See I have never liked processed foods. If it came in a box or can.. I wouldn't eat it because who knows what companies are putting in it as a so called preservative.

Then at some point in my life, maybe I started getting better. I made a change, and started reading labels. I decided that if I didn't know what something was, or if I couldn't pronounce it.. I wouldn't eat it. Basically I only ate organic.

Now.. I hardly eat at all. Mostly potato chips, because they come sealed in a bag, and I can see that there are no bugs..And I drink my Dr Pepper for the calories.

I really want to quit the Dr Pepper. I used to love it but lately it has become hard to swallow. I only taste the sugar and it's gross.
I don't know how to get past this. But I know that I need to.

I'm really craving a chicken salad right now... I'm thinking if I can get away with it, I will make myself one tonight at work. But I will have to see. Even though I work in a 5 star restaurant, we still have a bad roach problem..and since we are having problems with our drains.. they are just everywhere.. including the cooler. How we don't get shut down is beyond me..

This isn't at all what I had in mind to write about... I was actually thinking that to change my life, I need to start small.

For one.. I might need to stop watching the Big Bang Theory..lol. I've watched the entire series probably over a hundred times...I can practically recite every episode..lol Its a great show, but no one should know it as well as I do. Usually I just have it on for noise while I play on my phone. I find it soothing, and I can relate to the characters. Sounds bad, but sometimes I even get jealous of them. They all have friends..and love in their lives... I don't even have friends... (I mean I do have people here on this site that I consider friends) but I am talking about friends that actually want to hang out and do stuff.

I sort of have 🐢... The one I wrote about who had an infection in her toe, and needed prayers. She had surgery Friday. They amputated the top half of her toe. She seems to be doing well, and is in better spirits. I'm happy about that.. but I still struggle with our so called friendship.

She tells me often that she is thankful I am in her life.. Which is nice, but I don't understand why??? I mean she stands me up every time she makes plans for us to hang out.. I don't think that she ever plans on actually meeting up ... and I'm actually fine with that. I only talk to her because she talks to me. I don't have the heart to tell her..I'm just not interested anymore. I don't want a friend of convenience. I want actual friends.

That being said.. I don't think I know how to be a friend anymore. I think people try to get close and I instinctively push them away because I feel like they just want something from me, and I honestly have nothing to give anyone.

🐢 And I were talking about that the other day. She asked me how I was in the Love department. I think she was hinting that she wanted phone sex or a hookup..but I declined. Told her it's like this... I am at the point where I want love and affection..but I also don't want anyone near me.

She asked me if maybe I am that way because I feel like I don't deserve it.. she might be right.As the song says.. I'm just bad at love. So why bother..Damn this is depressing.

I swear I wasn't planning on writing about any of this..

Small changes. That's what my topic was supposed to be. Ugh.

I don't know.. I turned off The Big Bang Theory this morning and watched a movie on Netflix. The Fundamentals of Caring. It was a decent movie about a kid dealing with Spinal Difeta, and his care giver who was trying to deal with the death of his son. They go on an adventure together to experience. I got mildly jealous of the friendships they made along the way. Now I am watching another movie..Live to Life. Not really sure what it's about yet. I'm only halfway paying attention.

Also, I switched a Dr Pepper out for a bottle of water...and I'm eating chocolate...lol

I'm not sure what other changes I will make, but this is my start for today.

Aimee 💜