Love, life and loss
2023-01-17 18:49:12 (UTC)

Hospital and reality

So today I finally faced the reality of my health and life. I was due to go to the hospital tomorrow and they called me in today to stick some pads on me for a 24 hour heart tracing before tomorrow. I'm not sure why when they can track it via my ICD but hey ho. They said I would see the nurse to get the monitors on and set up. Thought I would do as I was told for a change and went in. Bad move. Yes they did want to put pads on me but when I arrived they said my consultant wanted to see me whilst I was there. I said I was seeing him tomorrow and tried to leave but they delayed me and delayed me until he came in. Face like thunder. Laid into me about avoiding appointments and that I need a reality check. Made me promise I would attend tomorrow and he knows me well enough never to break a promise. I might say 'yes' if someone asks me to promise and that means nothing. But if I say the words 'i promise' then i will never go back on it. I was horrifically abused as a child when he said he promised not to, he promised he would keep me safe and never did. My family promised it would stop if I lied to the police and social workers and did it? No. Every promise got broken as a child and a teen and I wont put anyone else through that. Dr has been treating me for 17 years since I turned 16 and knows all of that so made me promise I would go tomorrow. If that weren't bad enough he said I should bring someone with me tomorrow and he will see me at the other hospital but that for today I need to start looking after myself, get a grip and realise that without treatment I will be wasting my angel's donated organs as they will be going in the ground with me before long. Harsh nasty words. But I guess honest words from him. Through breathless sobbing I asked if theres a chance of me seeing my 40th birthday if I do as he says and accept any treatment he suggests, he just looked into my eyes and told me he would see me tomorrow and reminded me I cant break a promise.

I'm in bits.
I've been through so much treatment, so many surgeries, transplant, rejection, I dont know if I have the strength to go through more treatment again, and this time, totally alone. If I'm only going to survive a few years with treatment then I will bow out now and let nature take its course
I dont know what tomorrow holds
But what I do know is that the less people I have in my life the less people get hurt with the outcome
My baby girls wont be without a mum
Ryan wont be without a partner and will go on and be am amazing dad through adoption or surrogacy
My nieces and nephew have got used to me being away so if I keep it like that they wont miss me
And as for friends, they've been my life savers, some will be heartbroken, some will probably be relieved they no longer have to support me. If I start to withdraw away from everyone now there will be less hurt and pain if the worst happens

But that doesnt stop my hurt and fear tonight
In bits

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