I couldn't sleep......
Do you ever dream about something only to slowly waking thinking about something in the past? It's exhausting! See, I'm the strong one in the family and nothing can happen to the strong ones right? I can get past anything and nobody would know how much my past has effected me. I'm alot older now and never really got any help. Sure I've tried therapy a few times but my trust issues with men are deeper than even I knew until recently. It saddens me actually that I've had to live my whole life not knowing what is wrong with me. I don't get to feel emotions it seems. If I do, I'm deemed crazy and dramatic. Why do people and my family think I'm untouchable? A question I can only ask God.
I'm not much of a writer. I tried so many times to write in a journal but always end up stopping. When I found this online diary, I thought I would give it a shot. It's different because I have the option of making it public and in a way this is helping so far. It's like going to therapy and actually talking to someone. When I am done with with an entry, it's like another stone brick has been chipped off my shoulder. This isn't going to fix my issues but I am sure hoping it will give me peace for once in my life.
I don't have family anymore, I finally cut them off. All except my aunt, she is the only one who doesn't judge me, she understands everything I've gone through. I only found this out though after my mom passed away. My mom passed last July 2022, my whole past came to surface. The anger I have is so overwhelming. So overwhelming that at one point I found my piece in my hands wanting to end it all. God saved me! Being the unloved black sheep of the family isn't something someone wants to be, but it is the path I chose I suppose.
I hoping to release this anger once and for all before my body gives out.
Tomorrow, I guess I'll continue where I left off with my previous entry. I consider this entry a little break..