Slowly descending into madness
2023-01-17 00:00:00 (UTC)

What do I do about Penguin?

After 9th, I promised to myself I am never contacting him. And I think I am going to hold on to this promise. I'd rather do cocaine than contacting him.

But I'm also not mad at him. He did what he had to for himself. Yeah sure I'm hurt, but he can't genuinely hurt me more than my mother. So at the same time, I don’t care. I forgave him. May he live in peace and be more successful. I'm glad for him. It's all my fault to begin with, for wanting to be with him, for choosing him, for falling for him. And if there's anyone I can't forgive, that's actually me for having expectations that he would come around when I need him. C'mon. Most people on earth only can talk about how much they want to have someone until the day they die or something. They don't actually mean it. Being with someone takes lots of sacrifice and compromise and not everyone has the capacity. And that's okay so I forgive him. Now he at least knows how it feels to be with someone and not being able to work it out.

The compatibility issues he talks about - there aren’t any. There's no such thing as compatibility. You start to be with someone, you pick up their habit, you pick up their preferences and the person does it too. You change together and you grow together. The changes can be small and big, all kinds. For example: I keep my hair long because he likes long hair, not because I like my hair long. I never did. There are small things like these. Heck I stopped vaping and smoking because he doesn’t like this.

I forgive him. I forgive him. And I forgive him. Let him be. Loving him is my problem, not his to begin with.