rotten

just a dark humoured wuss

it was my goddaughter's 3th birthday yesterday btw. i meant to send a card - i think i still might - and even thought about a present, but then i didn't sleep for a week and my brain was nothing but mush, so. i should book a trip there, it just stresses me out way too much. not that i could afford it either, but the fact that staying with m & t there is my only option... yeah. i can't put into words how exhausting and harrowing staying in a place like theirs is for me; everything's just so gross. how anyone can live like that, i'll never know. just the smell alone makes me shiver when i even think about it. m mentioned in a voice message that the social workers they've had visiting them had been there for the last time last week - i don't understand why they'd stop. there's no way it's because they've learned to keep their house in check by themselves, i'm sorry but i don't buy it. and i mean if it was just the two adults, who cares, right? feel free to swim in shit if you don't mind it. but they got kids, and as someone who grew up in a home that was always quite messy - it wasn't exactly a pleasant experience, and our house was never *dirty*, it was never even close to m & t's level of disgusting. ughhh idk, i wish i was rich so i could just book an air b'n'b or something. anyway, moving on.

i'm seeing n tomorrow. it's been a while - i realized that when we texted about the details and she said "let's grab that birthday cake & coffee then" haha. my birthday was almost a month ago, but we haven't seen each other since her babyshower. which reminds me, i gotta wrap the cute af knitted outfit for the bebe i bought from a. the due date is getting near; i don't remember when it was, but perhaps the 27th? anyway in less than two weeks, so the baby could be here at any moment! it's so wild. all of our lives will change again. damn i love it when other people have kids - that way i don't have to be a parent myseld, i just get to be around awesome little peeps, see them grow up and all that good crap. and this is the first baby who'll live close to me; it's a walking distance actually, so that's nice too. of course j & s (& el & le) aren't that far away either nowadays, but y'know. in the morning i gotta remember to text n to let her know when i'm awake; i told her i haven't been sleeping so she should check with me before leaving to pick me up. i'll have to shower in the morning too so i'll probably get up pretty early on. i should roll out all my carpets before i go to bed - i think w's heat is upon us. gosh i hate it, lol. thankfully i have saved enough money now to make sure this really is the last time i'll have to go through it. she's so annoying on walks, she licks herself constantly, and i hate going around removing the stains. it's just so disgusting to me, be it as 'natural' as it is. just... no thanks. i'll be sure to book the sterilization as soon as possible - i think it'll be in 2-3 months. we only gotta wait for the phantom pregnancy symptoms to be over, and then it's snip snip time.

i talked to j again yesterday - while we were sat in mcdonald's with mi, actually. she told me about her psychosis and what that was like, and well. i don't envy her. i've had my own experiences with psychosis symptoms, but it never got *that* out of hand. and thank britney for that. when i was hospitalized there were a lot of others who freaked me out, like that one guy who forcefully entered my room when he thought i had a suitcase filled with guns there... fun times, good memories. lol. lately i've been wondering if i should maybe work on my sense of humour; i posted a meme that said "you wear all black because you think it's cool, i wear all black so i'd get hit by cars easier. we are not the same" and i got a few concerned messages about it, oops? idk, i guess it's dark but what do they expect? like honestly. what other ways are there to cope with things that are dark? ok i do hope i can get into therapy soon, but it's always uncertain in this country. mr a was particularly concerned - after all he's a bit of a boomer who sometimes sends me ridiculous bla bla bla quotes (the types usually seen shared on facebook by someone's cringey aunt) that are filled with toxic positivity and self help bs, so it's no wonder he doesn't quite know where the borders of my humour lay. i haven't opened his dms yet, i only read what i could see on the banner notifications. i gotta get myself together before i reply so i won't just take the 'joke' further - i don't think that'd be received well. and i mean i don't want him to worry; i really am doing quite okay nowadays. i'm not a fan of the concept that is life, but i'm not ... looking to end it before it's time is up, y'know? (yes that might be the third "y'know" in this entry, whatcha gonna do)

i should look into the paja's new schedule more - there were quite a few groups that required signing up. i assume they're already pretty full though, and since the signing up happens by messaging s, i don't think i would've done it either way lol. though it could be whoever and i wouldn't, i'm not big on 'official' messages, just like i'm not big on calls. i'm such a wuss, or at least awkward as hell. i think it's the infernal shame thing again. anyway, thankfully i can always just go to the bujo group and utilize the free atelier times, and other than that just sit on the couch drinking coffee. i should look into the swim card thing that j talked about; and for other reasons too i should try and find out who i'm supposed to contact if there's something i need. like, i should probably talk about my sleep getting worse; there's no way i could work rn for example. i'm not sure the unemployment fee is the money i should be getting; and no matter what i feel like atm i'd need more ... support? some kind of a regular contact to somewhere. for now i only have the neuropsychiatrist's appointments, and 3-4 times a YEAR really isn't enough. there's also two more of those adhd rehab follow-ups, maybe i'll ask the coach the next time i see them (on the 24th i think). ohh and the psycho-physical physiotherapist should contact me soon, so then there'll be that - just all this waiting is driving me nuts. feels like everything happens so slowly and i'll never get anywhere with my life because of that.

ok, i think i should try to get some sleep. who knows, i might end up having to take n to the hospital or something.