kestrel

kestrel
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Ezoic
2023-01-15 08:29:15 (UTC)

Things People Don't Know About Me #2

This is part of a series of personal entries inspired by James Altucher's listicle, "33 Unusual Tips to Being a Better Writer." One of them is:
Don't be afraid of what people think.
In the expansion on that one-sentence suggestion, he ends it with, "...for the next 10 things you write, tell people something that nobody knows about you."
///

I sat down and did a tally of all the women I've known, biblically-speaking. Listing them below. Their names are cyphered.

Nzl
Nhthfgn
Unaanu
Qnan #1
Aznaqn
Pbhegarl
Oevqtrg
Qnan #2
Avxbyr
Xnera
Fgrcunavr
Nqvan
Fgnprl
Gvssnal
Unyran

Seeing this list, I feel exceptionally favored. Until I sat back and thought about this I hadn't put all their names together in the same place, let alone on the same page.

In the case of the name with numbers next to it, I had girlfriends with the same name at different points in my life. I've never been one interested in random hook-ups or things like that. In all but one case, these were part of exclusive relationships, as in at the very least we were dating. And in the case of that exception, she and I are still friends to this day. There have been two instances were the woman and I have crossed paths again and maybe been intimate again. There are also two cases - the last two, specifically - where I felt like I had been pressured into sex without really wanting it.

I wonder if most people my age have remembered the sexual partners they've had in their lives. Is it more? Is it less? Is it a -lot- more or less? I don't know. I never sat down to have a conversation with one of the women I've been with about this specifically, and I really am not interested in talking about this with other men. In the case of men, I'd suspect we'd both not be trusting of one another. However based on my personal feelings on the matter, I'd suspect I'd be on the lower end of the spectrum, at least when considering men my age.

I've never had an STD although I've been tested dozens of times. There was a woman on that list who insisted that before we did anything of the sort that I go for a test. I find that admirable, and didn't take it as a personal accusation. At the time I didn't have health insurance, so I went to the free clinic downtown as quickly as I could. So whether it was this clinic, all the blood donations I'd given, and the many, many blood tests I'd had during physicals and doctor's visits over the years, nothing has shown up. Again, I feel exceptionally favored.

I'm at a point in my life where I don't know if I'll ever have sex with someone else ever again. But I also feel like I've had more than enough. I feel like physical intimacy, and even sex, are things I prefer to do with a woman I am very good friends with, and it's not something to rush into. Maybe it's due to my age, but while sex is absolutely wonderful, it's not the thing I'm seeking the most anymore. Inasmuch as I want to look to the future about this activity, physical closeness without the need for me to get off seems more a priority for me these days. I'm actually more interested in helping a woman reach an orgasm. Sharing my life, sharing my bed, knowing that she and I are exclusive and we're solidly committed to one another are things much more important and substantial than just getting off.

Of course, maybe I've had a -lot- more sex than most folks have, which is why I'm not so into pursuing it. Again, I've never discussed this with others at length, though I still suspect I'm on the lower end of the spectrum. Not to say I'm done, but I'm not on "the hunt."


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