Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2023-01-15 10:49:02 (UTC)

I will be honest, September ..

I will be honest, September 6th 2022, 131 days ago, life as I knew it blew up. Since then there has been no more norco, weeks of inpatient rehab, marital issues, trust issues, parental health issues, drama with the death of my beloved cat, week hospital stay for myself due to death of cat and so much more. But I handled it, I made it to 2023. So now I have all these underlying issues going on that are coming out in the form of anxiety

it's just that I have just survived so fucking much, I need a fucking break, I just need to unwind and fucking relax

oh but I have just have to get through the next 3 weeks then I can relax....mentally, does this make sense?

Next Sunday would be Chad's 30th birthday, 2 Sundays after that will be his 8th year death date.

I remember the first year after his death, having to do all the first's without him, first birthday, first Christmas, etc... that January 15th-Feb 5th 2016 took 18 fucking years. I just wanted to get it done, be over it, have all the firsts out of the way and it took so long to get over and then it wasn't that bad after it was over. Then everyone said the second year hits the worst, but it never seemed too, but I was always waiting for it to hit me hard. I even saw the therapist to make sure I was grieving properly (of course neglected to tell her I was abusing norco) she said I had grieved his whole life (since they said at 2 months he woudn't make it to age 5) so I was ok, normal.

Let me tell you, it wasn't normal and I wasn't ok. I am not saying she was a bad therapist, not at all, she didn't have the facts, she didn't know I was omitting something she surely would have told me to stop taking the fucking norco

So now, 8 years later I have to deal with it.

Normally the winter months are hard for me anyways, once the seasons change with the darkness I tend to get depressed, but it's the next couple weeks that are the hardest, so I am just going to suck it up and cry if I want to.

or rub the magical bean

Which is causing too much laughter in our bedroom, Mike has never heard of it called a bean before and keeps laughing I wasn't sure what the heck to call it, but it's still super magical

here's some new ideas;

Menage a moi
Finger painting
Engaging in safe sex
Jillin' off (Jill came down that hill too)
Visiting the bat cave (my favorite since I am a Batman fan)
Dialing the rotary phone (911 I'm bout to explode)
Shebopping (Cyndi was right, girls just wanna have fun)
Lone Rangering (at the end of the day you just wanna ride off into the sunset, aka sleep)
Pleasure cruising (can't afford a trip, visit orgasm isles)
Treating yourself (like dessert, only the cherry is inside)
Procrasturbating (everyone needs an excuse to put off work)
Checking your pulse (there's a couple major arteries down there right?)
Pushing your button (being elevated to the next level)
Vajubilation (when you & your vj are so happy you want to sing it to the ceiling)
Guided meditation (it does help clear your head)

So many ideas, it's only 6am, Mike is still sleeping so I am going to get off here and go do some guided meditation ;)

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