Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2023-01-15 09:48:35 (UTC)

Dear Chad,

30 years ago today, I was a young 25 year old girl who believed her whole world was perfect. I was in love with my new guy, your daddy Les, pregnant with you, everything was seriously perfect. I went to work that night as a waitress, even back then I was treated special at my jobs, like royalty. I was pregnant so I didn't have to do anything really, just smile, be cute and collect tips that I clearly didn't earn. I remember it was dinner rush so I was actually taking an order. It just happened to be 4 of my parents friends, while they were ordering I thought I peed myself a little so I excused myself. Your due date was March 12, 1993, so it was way too early, but once I got into the bathroom, I couldn't stop peeing. Then I realized it wasn't water broke. Instant panic set in....there went my perfect world, it was too soon.

They called an ambulance, obviously I never finished waiting on the table of my parents friends, everyone stepped up to help and I ended up leaving with like $300 in tips for doing nothing, people have always loved me (just never seen it)

I remember me and my friend Pam (her parents owned the restaurant) always used to play jokes on Les when he would call up there to check on me, she would say oh she just went into labor, just messing with him. Well this time he called, said he had a 'feeling' she told him my water broke, for real. He was an hour away, but he made it to the hospital in 30 minutes. He wanted to be there for you.

I don't really remember much about the hospital or the next week. I just know I had to lay still so the water could replenish? every time I moved the water would break again, or maybe it was just leaking, I don't know exactly. It was weird, I made it 7 days of being still trying to keep you cooking just a little longer, finally they did some tests on your lungs and other things and said I could have you and you would be fine. This last 7 days I had with you inside me, I swear we bonded more than ever, it was just you and me for 7 days and I willed you to be strong and you were the strongest baby ever born. You were a true warrior by every meaning of the word. You were brilliant and I think your light was too much for this world and burned your body out faster, but you lived in the 22 years you were here that's for sure and you were so loved.

Chad, I have now been norco free 131 days, can you believe it? aren't you so fucking proud of me? I just wanted you to know that I miss the fuck out of you, I really do. I know you are probably dumbfounded, or impressed, by how I was able to 'pretend' you aren't really dead. How I have been able for the past 8 years to tell myself that you are just at a friend's and I don't know. I talk about you all the time like you are still here almost, it's just the stories are all repeats now since there's no new stories with you anymore.

My biggest fear has been losing my memories of you, but in rehab I learned a technique they use for dementia patients, so I have been remembering everything and visiting you in my mediations. I know you are gone for real, but I also know I will see you again.

I'm not sure what kind of pull you have up there with God, but if you could talk to him about these anxieties I am having I would appreciate it. I know what it is, I just need to deal with it.

I am, tho. I just need to get through the next 3 weeks and then life will work itself out.

Love you baby boy, oh so so much <3


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