barefoot & barely lifelike
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2023-01-15 02:35:38 (UTC)

hours spent sat down on memory lane

i rubbed my eye at mcdonald's tonight and there was a small spec of something sharp and now the stye is smaller and hurts less so i guess it's kinda getting better idk? anyway, it wasn't until like 9am that i finally fell asleep. slept for an hour, then stayed up staring at the ceiling until noon, fell back asleep - thank britney - slept until 4:30ish. took the dog out, stayed on my phone for a few hours, cursed at myself for not having any food in the house. texted mi and immediately made a plan to pick her up and grab some food; "you drive, i pay" she said, and i was like "you're on, gurl". so we went to the golden arches, because long time no see etc. i got the chicken version of the current campaign meal ('chipotle grill' i think it was) and changed for the el maco mcflavor fries... yummm. food can make a person so darn happy it's ridiculous. though i hadn't eaten anything in like 24 hours so in this case it kinda just made sense to be that happy. we thought about getting banana milkshakes for dessert but we both got f'ing tired very suddenly and just sat there, in silence, each on our own phones, for like an hour, and then the craving was gone. we thought we just wanted to go home and sleep, but once we got to her parking lot, we just... sat in the car, lol. and we sat there for quite some time - hours, actually. it was 7 when i picked her up, like 9:30 when we left mcdonnies, and it was 00:24 when she finally got out of the car (and i went to get some gas & groceries on my way home to w).

it was a good, long, much needed talk; i'd say we made the world a bit better. we discussed the infernal shame that we both are too familiar with and live through, and how growing up christian really hammers that one in. it started with us joking about how tough it is that as an adult and a human being one must make an effort to *eat* every single day - how getting yourself to cook is so hard, even though that's something you enjoy doing, how deciding what to eat almost always feels like an impossible task, and how we wish we could externalize the practice that is feeding ourselves - and ended up with "boy do all the churches suck so bad", lol. it's so comforting that we've found each other. when we met and the entire first year we lived and studied together i could've never predicted how close we'd one day get, and especially how similar we truly are, how much we have in common. i mean i've always loved her, but i thought we were *so* different. tbf a lot has changed since then, but mostly i just had my head up in my arse. anyway, the way she gets me nowadays is simply divine. we talked about shitty men, the fucking patriarchy, the absolutely disgusting and useless gender roles the church keeps pushing. some scandals at and of the church, sad human destinies, all the abuse. we talked about our past toxic relationships and how fucked up it is that people feel like they need to confess things about their personal lives to their pastors in order to keep 'serving god'. i told her things about the mickey case that i hadn't told her before, and realized there's still a LOT more to tell... we talked about her hitting me up with one of my life's most important heycanwetalks years ago, and i cried. it still means so much to me that even then she felt like i was someone she could talk to, someone she felt was safe enough to spill huge secrets to. even now i wanna cry thinking about it - there are so many regrets i have over the things i did and said and was when i identified as a christian, and i could spend all my days beating myself up about them. knowing that i still managed to present myself as someone who's safe and nonjudgemental means a lot to me. and now i got to tell her how angry i felt for her even then, how much i wanted to punch her pastor for talking to her in the way that he did. our experiences have a lot in common, even though i was a secret kept by an asshole youth pastor man and she was a youth leader having a secret love affair with another girl. i guess it's pretty fucked up though that to this day, anything out of the heterosexual waiting-til-marriage -norm is so scandalous in the church, that even years after i continue to feel *honoured* having been "allowed into" The Know. hearing mi say that i was always different was ...healing, i think. i don't think i could live with myself if i had been seen as a judgemental asshole.

it had been a while since i had thought about that time when h tried to exorcize demons tf out of me - and force me into talking about the sexual abuse i had gone through when i was young, just because he thought that was the only possible explanation as to why two adults would have sex even if they weren't married. sure, it must've all been because i had experienced sexual violence as a child; that's what drove me into viciously seducing a man of god and making both of us headed to hell! there's no other possibilities, like oh idk, us being in our 20's, attracted to each other and horny as hell. lol, nope. it was the demons in me that drove me to this disturbing behavior. i clearly needed therapy - it's a good thing h forced me to go to a therapist he had chosen from inside the church... yeah all of it was just suuuper fucked up. mi was shocked to learn what i had had to go through but honestly, to me her story doesn't sound that much better. people are dicks, especially older deluded church men who have way too much power over other people's lives. i really love mi. the talk was such a good one, and she is so precious, so intelligent and furious about the right things. i love having someone to just sit in a car with, ranting while it's raining. if those chats won't end up changing world for the better, nothing will.