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2023-01-11 22:23:39 (UTC)

damn hardcore adhd

why can't i ever just shut the f up?? that's the question of the day. one of those days, when i truly loathe my adhd tendencies - there was a community meeting at the paja today, and ohhh boy did i struggle keeping my mouth shut. not that i did any better while hanging out at the lounge before the meeting; just one of those days i guess. i don't think i can make it without elvanse, i truly don't. seems like leaving the house without taking it is dangerous for my mental health. every social interaction makes me hate myself, i hate feeling like i have no filter and no control over what comes out of my mouth and what stays in ...somewhere. it's not even a case of 'in my head' because usually there's not enough time for me to even THINK the things before they slip out, and i hate it, i reeeally hate it. people think i'm such a social person, they think that i'm ready-to-speak and loud and everything, and i hate it. not because i'd hate people who are those things, but i hate being something i'm not. it's so damn uncomfortable. and it's like the highest form of betrayal; having the thing forcing me to be something i'm not be *inside me*, like. it's ME, but it still feels ... separate somehow? like my adhd was something that's unattatched from the rest of me. i wish i could either gain some control, or actually become the person everyone sees me as. the way things are and i guess have always been just makes me feel like such a fraud. makes me feel like i'm a fraud to people who like the me they see, and on the other hand it frustrates me that there are those who *don't* like me; and i don't even know what i'd really be like. i guess i've never felt like i had the option of being myself. sometimes it's others who keep me from it, but usually it's just me. a part of me that i can't seem to control.

the meeting was about how to act at the paja and outside of it, social media interaction and "what if you wanna befriend someone irl - and what if you don't?" apparently there's been some drama. i knew nothing about it, and before the meeting j said she was really nervous; i don't remember what i said but i was worried i might've said something idiotic and/or hurtful so i asked her about it on ig afterwards. turns out she initiated the whole thing. before i started at the paja, she had a conflict with this guy who took her being nice and polite to him the wrong way. one of the employees had told j that this guy even had a crush on her (she's happily married for 5 years) and idk how she knew this, but apparently he had been taking secret photos of her too...? like that's some proper weirdo shit. anyway, the guy had become a bit too friendly and clingy and kept bombarding j with DMs until she told him she wasn't looking for new friends and wanted to have nothing to do with him outside of the paja groups they both attended. j didn't tell me his response but i think he didn't take it well, and since then he's been paranoid about her bad-mouthing him to others etc. there was a really awkward moment in the meeting today when they both spoke up and yeah ugh idk. tbh i don't know why i attended the meeting in the first place, the topic had nothing to do with me - for once & thank birtney for that! usually it's a common issue for me, having people i can't stand wanting to befriend me. now that i think about it, i must be doing something right atm since no one (no one i don't like back, that is) from the paja has tried to make me their friend yet. for the whole meeting i just wanted to scream things like "or maybe people should just communicate openly and treat each other like adults?" (like i was such a master of communication lmao) or roll my eyes. i tried to control myself but i didn't do a very good job, i think. we did also discuss greeting other visitors in public, like on the street etc. - whether it's okay to do so, and what to reply if one of you happens to be around other people who ask questions like "who was that?" and "how do you know them?" y'know because going to the paja is everyone's private business. i, of course, announced that my response would and is forever gonna be "we are in the same cult". half the people were just like "...okay" and i could almost hear crickets. why am i the way i am? i talked to m2 about it and she said that clearly those just aren't 'my kinda people' and i mean she's not wrong.

annnyway, we had a good talk with j. i mentioned in an earlier entry that she can be a bit tough to read sometimes, but now i know our feelings (lol) are mutual. i like her and she likes me and we agreed to be friends - for now. we also agreed to say something if at some point, for some reason, one of us no longer wanted that. i found out she votes for a party that i think shouldn't be allowed to even be an actual, official LEGAL political party, but i mean. i don't know her reasoning behind that decision and thankfully i already like her enough to not let that affect things too much. i think we just won't talk about politics, lmao. she did say her husband had similar views to mine, so she's used to it haha, and i think that for me it might be good to know people from outside of my bubble. i don't think i can ever respect someone's decision to vote for that bs party, because no one in it has a brain, but i mean. i'm willing to try and keep respecting her as a person, regardless of her voting habits. at least as long as she doesn't start spitting out racist hate or something. i don't believe she will though, even if it's unheard of to be both: 1) voting the way she votes, and 2) a live-and-let-live type of a person. i guess there truly is an exception for every rule, huh? i'm gonna try and not let our differing views become a deal breaker, because i really like j. we also talked a little bit about people we don't necessarily *love* at the paja, but i really don't have that many i'd have strong feelings about. i've only been going for so long, and i've been successfully avoiding the people i'm not the biggest fan of. and i mean i still think the guy j had her conflict with is okay - he's always been nice to me, i have no reason not to be nice to him.

oh, and just a sidenote because i forgot to mention this before: two new interns started at the paja yesterday. both of them are social studies students and seem really nice! i do miss i, the intern we had before the holidays, a bit, but the new ones are also cool, and one of them even directs a group for creative writing, so. yay. i had a few awkward moments with s again today, and of course in the meeting it was also said that, naturally, it's in the moral codes that the employees do not hang out with the visitors on their free time. not that that wasn't already clear to me or that i ever thought about pursuing the silly crush-type thing i might feel / might've felt, but y'know. all of it still reminded me that luckily, if the crush or whatever it is persists, at least s is a safe target. the new schedule doesn't kick off until tuesday, but tomorrow there's some kind of a playful 'survivors' themed contest at the paja - i don't know if i'm gonna go, and even if i did go, idk if i'm gonna attend the contest. we're supposedly getting divided in teams and that makes me kinda nervous (j did promise she'd be on the same team with me though, should i participate). i also don't like not knowing what's going to happen, so it'll definitely require some stepping-out-of-the-comfort-zone from me if i do. not that every single thing in life didn't, but y'know.

okay i'm gonna go dye my hair now, and i should reply to t as well; he messaged me asking if i had received anything in the mail recently, and i can't believe i haven't thanked him for the letter yet. i really have been kind of a shitty friend lately - i was supposed to call my girl m today but i took a nap instead, and mr a also DMd me to ask if i was okay because i hadn't been replying to his spamming of funny dog videos. i also haven't replied to mr j who asked my opinion on his 'starting' message on dating apps (tbh i have no idea how to tell him that it was a bit too intense and came off kinda creepy... like. true serial killer vibes. perhaps i'll just tell him straight, that's what i usually do with him. i have no idea why he's still friends with me, i've said some pretty hurtful things - maybe it's because he knows i love him even though i think he can be a real douche sometimes, idk) and soon it will be the one year anniversary of some voice messages from p that i still haven't replied to... actually, i haven't even listened to them, so really i've been a shitty friend for almost a year now. or a few, but who's counting. yeeeah, how very peculiar indeed that all the paja peeps don't wanna be my bffs, lol.