Life of secrets
Going into the office today. Not really wanting to. I’m sure once I’m there, I’ll want to go tomorrow as well. At least I’m not just sitting around the house all day.
Speaking of houses, another one of our offers was rejected. Someone else chosen. We’ve put in an offer for a new house although I’m sure it was too low, and we will have to negotiate. But we really liked the house. House prices are due to fall soon as well, but I’m not patient enough to wait. How much longer do I have to wait for anything I want ? Everyone tells me “be patient, the baby will come when it’s ready” and now it’s “be patient, a house will come at the right time”
Well, I’m fed up of waiting. I’m fed up of the right times. Women fall pregnant all the time - are you say every single time, was the right time for them? Even unwanted babies ?
One of my bridesmaids called me out of the blue last week. We hadn’t spoken for a year. I’d given up trying to contact her, actually, due to lack of any kind of effort back from her. She told me she’d gotten pregnant last year. But (her words) had to give it back to Jesus. Makes me feel sick. I’m struggling to conceive and I’d do anything to get pregnant - she’s doing everything they tell us not to do. Don’t smoke. Don’t drink. Make sure you’re not overweight. Eat organic. Drink water. Sleep well. And she gets pregnant just like this. This isn’t her first abortion. Makes me sad. Why are some people just so lucky enough to be so fertile and they don’t even want it.
I’ve become a hermit and don’t particularly want to see anyone. I said we should meet up soon but I don’t want to. It means we’d meet up with A too (another bridesmaid I no longer hear from) and I know she’s pregnant. I know she’ll announce soon. She knows I’m struggling and it’s awkward.
In other news, I told myself that I’d become more like “me” again this year. Mostly looks-wise. I’ve not looked like me for a while. I need to lose weight. Today is my third “good” day. Im eating healthy, calorie counting and exercising again.
I got up early and went to the gym a couple days ago. I should probably go again this week.
Better start getting ready for work. I dread getting dressed into anything other than my casual home clothes as I feel so fat.