rotten

miraculous recovery

miracles happen
once in a while
when you believe
miracles happen ... 🎶
i finally got some sleep last night, or evening. not much, but like three or four hours? certainly saved my life either way. i woke up after 4am... feeling ALMOST NORMAL? i couldn't believe it. went to the store around 5ish; didn't buy enough actual food though, i was too tired to think - but rest of the glögis were on sale so now i can have my own private after christmas glögi party lol. when i got home i shoveled some snow (the parking lot was a freaking nightmare), ate and then played on my phone in bed until it was time to take a shower. and oh boy was it a long, luxurious shower. i even dry-brushed my entire body before i got in, and then i used a mf'ing body scrub and everything. i can't even remember the last time i properly shaved my legs - my ocd is so happy rn. it's been reeeally hard just leaving my body hair be, but i think it's done me good. the HS flares aren't as hardcore and i'd say i generally spend less time obsessing over the whole hair issue now? maybe? i mean it still takes a LOT of daily minutes and headspace, but i think less than it used to. eye brows are still my weakest point though, i just can not... but i keep telling myself that it's fine. i have made it to the point where i can handle a little armpit stubble, so it's okay to be super fucking anal about my eyebrows. at least i'm making *some* progress, right? right. after showering i brushed my teeth, did my skin care routine - the whole shabang - and hurriedly packed my lunch (veggie sushi bowl) and my make up bag to-go, because i was about to be late lmao. i took w out for a quick wee and JUST made it to the bus stop when the bus came. i did a quick make-up look on the bus (no shame) and decided to walk to paja from sori, even though the weather was *absolutely horrible*. the wind and snow hurt my face and walking in all the mush felt like what i imagine quicksand would feel like, or walking in a pool of tar, or honey, or... whatever. anyway, spring truly cannot get here soon enough.

it was 'planning day' at paja today. at first there was like ~20 of us (including the employees) and we just brainstormed what might be fun and interesting - we got divided into four groups and there was four categories (groups/clubs, trips/outings, parties/theme days, and projects/etc.) and every group had a few minutes per category. first we just wrote all the ideas on post-its, then all the ideas were categorized and read out loud to everyone, and then we voted for our most favorite ones. all of it reminded me so much of my days working in the church, and especially of all the camp counselor educating i used to do. i gotta admit i really miss it sometimes; after all it was something i was very good at and enjoyed a lot. idk if it was that or just my all-around tiredness and all the post-illness shit, but i was anxious as fuck the entire day. at one point i was shaking and thought i couldn't stop a panic attack from happening - but i did. after brainstorming and voting there was a break, and then only the peer group leaders and employees gathered together and made the first 5 weeks' schedule. i decided to not take on any groups in this cycle, although i did promise to help plan things for the valentine's day party. i think it was a good decision even if it was based on today's mood only; there'll always be the next cycle, and the one after that, and the one after that... there'll be other chances, my time will come. i have time. and i think i will put up a poster about the improv thing during this cycle, just to see if there'd be any takers. improv is something that would be awkward with just a few people, haha. i don't know; everything is so weird. i think my being ashamed of every-fucking-thing keeps me from having my own group, at least for now. but exactly like with body hair; baby steps... baby steps.

naturally i also saw s today. the crush - if it ever was one - has definitely calmed down quite a bit. phew! although i still made an idiot of myself, several times, so the *awkwardness* sure hasn't worn off... but again, baby steps, right?? i took the shittier bus home, went for a longer walk with w, and then crawled into bed. i spent a few hours under the covers and then.. then i did something i've been fantasizing about for weeks now: i vacuumed. fucking finally!! i could've done a better job but i only had a half an hour before it was ten o'clock and The Silence fell lol, so this'll have to do for now. either way, it makes me so happy i just wanna sob. if only I could force myself to do the dishes as well, ugh... mark my words though; one of these days i will do them and i will be so proud of myself it's gonna be absolutely ridiculous. i hope that day arrives soon. i can't wait.

ok daaamn i'm tired again. i cannot make myself to proof-read this entry - nope, not today. i gotta take w out again, wash my face, brush my teeth, fill up my water bottles (water here still tastes like shit to me if it doesn't sit in the fridge first. "you'll get used to it" my ass, it's been almost three years, damn it) and turn on some alarms before i can fall asleep... i better get to it or i'll wake up late with panda eyes.