Diary writing person

Slowly descending into madness
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2023-01-10 15:50:23 (UTC)

Penguin dreams and Sushmit bhaia

God bless Sushmit bhaia. I love him so much, so so so much and I respect him so much. I will actually give my life away for him, in a very platonic way.

Yesterday I called bhaia and I explained the situation where I ran away from home and shit. He told me whether I need a place to stay, he'll manage. Then asked me whether I need money. He said not to worry about anything, he's there for me. What I wanted to hear. I just needed to know that someone has my back. And sometimes that someone is my boss. My ex. My childhood best friend. Sushmit bhaia also called penguin খানকির পোলা. So that's the highlight of yesterday xD

I've just had a dream about penguin. He texted me, he said he wanted to meet me, and we both were planning on meeting each other in Sreemangal. Super cute. I hyperventilated again after waking up, needed to take an inhaler to stop myself. It's beautiful how a mf like him honestly messed me up in the worst possible way. If this keeps on going, I will not live. I'm still having a panic attack, I'm trying to tell myself it's just a dream. It's not working.

I can't live in this city while both of us are still alive. One of these days if we cross paths, I'll lose it. Sushmit bhaia can send me money but he can't make this go away. Please, someone kill me, I don’t want to live.

Penguin will get what he deserves. I don’t plan on taking revenge. Hating this person is hard while loving him was very easy, so I won't actually waste my energy on doing this. I can forgive him and move on, but nature will never forgive him. Nature doesn't. As a rule of nature, he will suffer until he dies. Here's the soft, sweet thing about me: I don’t go out of my way to take revenge. That's not me. But karma will take care of this. Maybe by taking his close ones away. Maybe by taking me away. Who knows.

This man told me that if I ever need him, I'll always find his help. Yesterday, honestly I needed it and he denied it. All men do is lie, another proof. I'm mostly worried about myself. Nothing else.


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