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2023-01-10 02:52:44 (UTC)

What happened to me?:

January 9th, 2023:

I keep looking within myself but can't seem to find anything left. As in, I have no desire to pursue any hobbies. I don't know what to go after. I don't know what I want. I don't have a dream. I have nothing to go all in on. I also feel like lately I've let my anger take control. I don't really show aggression (not in front of anyone at least), but I can see that my lack of dealing with my issues is catching up to me. Mostly mental/emotional issues. Nobody knows this but..... I have OCD. It used to be quite bad when I was a kid. I don't remember at what age it started but I was probably 9 or 10 years old. Thankfully, it's not near as bad now as it used to be. It hasn't really negatively affected my life in several years. It's just annoying.

I've also thought about relationships that I used to have that I miss. When I was a kid, I used to be friends with this other kid who went to the same church as me. We used to say we were BFFs. We stopped being friends when we started going to different churches. I started thinking about this friend because I was in the car with my brothers going out to get food. We started talking about people who went to that church we used to go to. I also have been thinking about my sister lately. Not a lot, but some. I miss my relationship with her. We used to be quite close. We used to argue all the time about stupid things. At least I think it was about stupid things, to be honest I don't really remember what we argued about. But we also had great times together playing games we would make up or whatever. I miss spending time together like we would do when we were kids. I wish I could go back to that time. It was so nice to have someone to talk to. Now I have nobody. She's moved out of the house probably 2 years ago now. I could still text her I guess but I feel like that wouldn't be the same. I still see her at church and when she comes by the house, which is maybe 3 times a month. Things seem weird though. I don't even know if I can trust her now. Part of me wants to tell her how I'm feeling (just how I generally feel bad most of the time) but I don't know how she would react or if she would tell anyone else. She did text me about a month and a half ago after our grandmother died saying that I could reach out to her to talk about anything. Sometimes I think about that text she sent me and wonder if I should take her up on that offer. I also don't want to bring her down which is what I feel like would happen if I did reach out and open up to her. She's been through tough times too, mainly when she was in high school. It also kind of seems pathetic for a guy to reach out to his sister. She is older than me but still.

I'm still searching for a job, I applied to 2 places today. I hate the thought of working a full-time job. I have to find one though or else I'll never get anywhere in life. It really sucks that I don't have any amazing skills developed by this point in my life. Like if I was really good at photography for example, I could start making YouTube videos about photography. There's just nothing that I'm an expert at and nothing I want to become an expert at. I hope one day I'll be able to find something that I at least semi-enjoy that I can turn into a job. I did something stupid today (and last night) for the first time in a while. I'll probably do it again tonight.

At this point in my life I'm kind of wishing I hadn't been born. That may sound like a terrible thing to say and it probably is but I swear I have no direction. I also don't bring anybody any good, that I can see at least. I don't seem to make anyone's life any better. I do think about suicide but I pretty much know that I'll never actually do it because that would cause people around me too much pain. Not only that, but I don't have the guts to do it either. I've started cursing as well, though I started doing that a while ago. Usually just under my breath. I guess it helps me get my anger out. I know it's not a good thing though. There's so much of my life I wish I had done differently. I just wish now I could find something that I enjoy that would give me some peace. Something I could spend time mastering and eventually make YouTube videos on (since I at least somewhat enjoy making videos).

I've had some dreams recently that really made me realize how non-existent my social life is. One where I met MrBeast and instead of giving him a handshake I shook his hand and then went in for a hug. As if I was one of his friends. It was pretty awkward, though he didn't seem too weirded out by it. I have had at least a couple of dreams where I've been back in high school. I've also had several dreams within the past maybe 4 months where I've seen and or played a claw machine of some kind. I used to be into claw machines when I was a kid and it was probably one of the first hobbies I had. I kind of wonder if having all these dreams about claw machines is a sign that I should get back into playing claw machines and maybe start making videos on them. I don't know though, I can't even drive so I can't go to any places with a claw machine.

I'm incredibly lonely, although I guess I have been for a while. But I feel like lately it's been really hitting me how lonely I really am. Leaving comments and talking to people on reddit does help some though. At least I think it does. I have a couple discord friends I talk to (one I met on reddit actually), so I guess I could be lonelier. I just wish I had a friend IRL. I think that's what I've been missing all these years. One close connection with another human. That's what my intuition says anyway. At least I think it's my intuition. Dang, I'm not sure of anything anymore. Well, I'm going to keep stayin' alive and try to eventually get hired some place. I wish I could escape my mind. Maybe I should exercise since I haven't done that in a while and that seems to help. Anyway, that's all for now.

-Stopped Writing at 10:40pm

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