rotten

blended days and daydreaming

'this SLAPS' -list from the past few days:
- sarah keyworth
- 'jessie's girl' by rick springfield
- kleenex ultra soft box tissues
- sun'n red cherry soda
- david y rodriguez's new project
- my weighted blanket
- ben carpenter's content
- moses storm: trash white
- 'ceilings' by lizzy mcalpine
- brendon urie's voice
- my duolingo streak
- sinus flushes

i have the worst headache. this flu is just not giving up! the symptoms keep getting worse and every time something gets better, another something gets waaay worse. a said it's possible this is one of this year's influenzas that just wasn't that bad on ju because he's taken the flu shots - and that might also be why i'm the only one who got it, cause they've all gotten their shots because of a's job. makes sense i guess, but i mean. what are the odds of me getting *two* hardcore influenzas AND covid; all within the time period of like.. two months? oh booy does this suck. i'm so tired all. the. time. and of course i still cannot sleep, because i am me. ughhhh. the days are just blending into each other, it's all just mush. sleepless mush. one idk, good? thing about not sleeping is that i don't dissociate as much - i mean the 'black outs' won't happen. the lighter kind is still going on though, and naturally even more than when i have slept, but it's interesting to me. if i won't sleep, i'm a bit out of it all the time. if i do sleep, at least a little bit, i'm somewhat out sometimes and every now and then also completely blacked out. i wonder why that is. if i ever get a therapist who understands dissociation, i hope i'll remember to ask them.

my knee is also bitching again. i think it might even be a bit swollen? i don't know what angered the leg this time or why it gets better every now and then, but here we are. i should really go see a doctor and have it x-rayed (i think a screw has moved around or something) but i just can't seem to get around to making the call. i swear there will be a day when i can't walk anymore and i'll call n & m crying asking them to please take me to the ER... i know this yet i'm still not doing anything about it, other than gently stretching, taking painkillers and using that magnesium joint spray i have. i think i'll have to switch blankets as the knee isn't loving the weighed one - maybe i'll fold it one or twice to use for my upper body only, and use another blanket for my feet? ok that might be a bit insane, idk. we'll see. i finally reached the 365 days streak on duolingo btw! my spanish points are catching up to my swedish ones. i should really get back to swedish, as that one i'd actually have use for; there's a reason why i should keep practising... but spanish is just so easy, and fun. ok i mostly like it because it's easy and simple, lmao. swedish is a paaaaain, and i wish there was a way to learn finland-swedish, or better yet the dialects. the actual swedish only helps me so much with mi.

hmmm i should eat something, but i can't remember which day it was when i made the pasta that's in my fridge. i'm not sure if it's safe to eat, lol. i should probably be worried that i can't even remember the last time i've eaten, eh? it's been such a weird few days - i haven't eaten, my water intake's been pathetic, i've only taken my meds every now and then when i've gotten nauseous enough to be reminded... i haven't slept in i can't even remember how many days now, my head is filled with mucus (yuck what a word) and idk. when i took w out the first time today i plugged my car in, but never went to the store anyway. just now we went for the last walk of the day and i set the timer to 2am - if i'm still awake, i'm gonna go then. there shouldn't be much others in the store at that time, and i'm really craving some veggies. the pasta and cottage cheese by themselves aren't doing it for me, that might be one of the reasons i haven't eaten; that i ran out of cucumber lol. why is my life like this, hmm?! i'd like some answers please. oh, right. my brain. that's right. britney damn it. anyway, i'm gonna take a shower before that 2am - another thing i can't remember the last time of. it's disgusting. and very unlike my neurotic ass, but somehow whenever i'm ill i just can't seem to make myself shower, or change clothes. i guess somehow my brain goes "i don't wanna have germs on more than one set of clothes" plus "i don't wanna take a shower and put on dirty clothes afterwars" and well, that leaves me here. being disgusting. i bet none of this helps with anything. today i almost vacuumed - fucking finally! - but then i got super nauseous from my meds, probably because i haven't been eating, and then i had to just lay still for a few hours to prevent myself from throwing up. so that was fun, and the apartment is still as disgusting as it's been for a while now. i keep dreaming about cleaning it, like really. that's what i'm currently daydreaming about. doing the dishes. putting things away. washing my oven. my god that'd make me so happy.

talking about daydreaming, i have pretty much forgotten what s looks like. i knew it was likely to happen since the holiday break was so long (ok ok it's only been a few weeks lmao, but for my brain that is a long time!) and because they're so off-the-grid i can't stalk them. so i haven't actually done any daydreaming about them, the term just reminded me about the whole thing. i think i'd avoid the daydreaming anyway, since that tends to make me feel uncomfortable around people. i discussed this with mai (number two) actually, having a crush plus the whole maladaptive daydreaming inclination thing and the pros and cons of it. i hadn't thought about it before but in my daydreams it's never the 'current me' who i think about, or who things happen to. it's always some evolved, better, future version of me - less crazy and pathetic, smaller and healthier. obviously it's not realistic as most of my health issues i'm never gonna get rid of, but i think that's what enables me to daydream in the first place. i can't think of myself as deserving of good things, especially for what it comes to romantic scenarios and relationships, not even to *daydream* it. i realize how sad that is, i guess, and mai told me it's not healthy either, haha. she could relate though, as per usual. she's definitely one of my 'soul sisters' (even though i'm pretty sure i don't believe in the existence of souls). she advised me to try and, little by little, turn the me of my daydreams into a more realistic version of myself. she told me that she'd done it and it had helped immensely, and that ever since she has been able to process a lot of stuff in/via her daydreams. it makes sense, but i mean. i don't think any daydreaming would be happening, at all, if i tried to fantasize about my current self. i'd probably just end up with nightmares. i don't know. either way, i think it's better to keep s out of my daydreams. i'm already awkward enough around them as it is, and considering the whole set-up, nothing could ever happen anyway. and i don't even think i'd want anything to happen; after all i barely know anything about the guy! i'll just stick to daydreaming about a cleaner apartment.