Love, life and loss
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2023-01-09 20:49:04 (UTC)

Been a while

Its been a while since I've needed to get my thoughts onto paper and out of my head
Well, its been over a week
Life has been busy
Work has been busy
Just after new year we separated
I cant make him the daddy he wants to be
I cant make him happy
He said if I didnt want to he on the journey to become a parent with him then we needed to separate and be friends as that's what he plans to do
He wants me to be a mummy but I'd never pass assessments to adopt
He wants to look into surrogacy but cant use my eggs so it wouldnt be my baby at all
And now hes saying we could have IVF using a donor egg and I could carry baby so I felt baby was mine
That gave me a bit of hope but then reality hit me that Erin had two heart conditions. One being the one inherited from my genes. Another not inherited from me. They said probably caused by issues during pregnancy and her development, possibly due to my diabetes so that could still happen to another baby
I just cant go through it again
Emotionally or physically
My heart is so badly damaged
I'm not sure what the future holds for my health and my heart
Had to take today off work poorly after a horrific night with my heart
I hate taking time off sick and admitting defeat
Admitting that my health controls me instead of me controlling it
I feel pretty dreadful and in quite a lot of pain but back to work tomorrow as I have no choice

And now I have no Ryan and no babies
All I have is work
So I need to throw myself back into it and dedicate my every hour to work
I'm not sure I can when some days I cant even get out of bed
Some says I avoid any communication with friends and cancel any social outings
Some days all I can manage is to to swap from being under the duvet at night to being on top of the duvet in the day

In a lot of pain with my heart right now and need to try and sleep it off
I'm exhausted

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