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I just want to be somebody:
January 6th, 2023: I just wish I could be somebody. I am becoming the very thing I swore I'd never become. Average. I need to find a job. I'm sure I'll find one soon but I almost know for a fact that it won't be a job that I enjoy. Sometimes I really dislike my personality. I'm not strong enough. I don't know what I want to become because I can't find my passion. Maybe I don't have one. I kind of feel pathetic just writing this. Okay, I do feel pathetic writing this. I keep trying to get into different hobbies but I never end up landing on one. I overthink so much and so I just end up wasting so much time. I see synchronicities happen and I don't know what they mean. I know there is a deeper meaning behind life, at least I think there is. I'm not really sure of anything anymore. I've had lucid dreams in the past and they remind me how powerful the mind is. The problem is I don't know how to use that power because I don't know what I should pursue. Nothing feels right. I don't think I've ever committed to anything for more than a short period of time.
I know I have to find a job but I am scared. There's no activity I feel like I can always enjoy doing and create a job out of it. I feel like I always come back to the r/lonely subreddit (which is actually how I found out about this website) I guess just because I want to know that I'm not alone. Even though I kind of still am. I had a dream the morning of January 5th about a girl that I used to go to high school with. I graduated HS in 2022. I've actually had many dreams about her. She was one of the VERY few girls that I think ever liked me in high school. Understandably so, I'm a very weird, messed up person. There were many weird instances where I would keep running into this girl. That's a story for another time, maybe. But it seemed like we had a connection. We have talked briefly 2 or 3 times and there definitely seemed to be some connection. But I never had it in me to ask her out or get her phone number. Except for one day where I finally told myself that if I got the opportunity, I would at least talk to her and try to get her number. Well... I didn't get the opportunity. Not that day anyway. I certainly had opportunities to talk to her but it just never felt right which is why I never got her number or anything. What I'm saying is, I don't think I ever really got over her. Which is stupid considering we never even went on a date. I just wish I bit the bullet and had the guts to ask her out. Or at least get her phone number. I just feel like I can't get her out of my mind. Though I don't think about her that often. It just seems like there will always be a part of me that regrets the fact that I was too afraid to make a move. Well, that's just one of the things I regret about high school. I knew I'd regret it too. Back then. But I just couldn't find it in me to make a move. And now it's too late, unless I happen to see her someplace and get a chance to talk to her.
This is why I don't like myself most of the time. Guys are supposed to go after what they want, be assertive. I'm not like that. At least not right now. Maybe if I hadn't made so many bad decisions I would be. I don't even know what I want. And I feel like I'm too broken to figure it all out. So I guess I'll just get a job and move out hopefully within the next 6 months. When I think about where I will be a year from now it looks quite lonely. I'll more than likely live alone. Maybe I will get a pet cat to keep me company. I've been sort of letting my anger take control lately too. But never shown it when anyone is around. You know you're screwed up when you have a dream about you snapping.
At least I am not emotionally numb right now. Went through that Senior year of high school and I think it was the worst period of my life. I wish I had a close friend. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I wish I had someone I knew I could trust. No one knows how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I can't do anything right. I also sometimes feel like I'm much more disconnected from my intuition than I used to be. I miss being a kid, but I know I've got to grow up. I wish someone had told me the realities of life when I was younger. So I could have at least prepared a little, mentally. What am I saying, I don't even know how hard life is. I don't have a job, I still live at home, don't have any bills to worry about. Sometimes I just wish I could go out peacefully. I didn't mean to write this much. I doubt anyone will ever read this but I think this helped me so maybe I'll do more of these random brain dumps or whatever you want to call them. I just want to be somebody, but it seems like that's impossible now.
January 6th, 2023 - finished at 10:33pm