rotten

a love letter

i drove home today, and there was two things waiting for me on my doormat. a christmas card from my aunt, and a letter from t. a love letter. not in the traditional sense of course, but a love letter nonetheless. in it he explained remembering i once wrote letters instead of buying christmas gifts, so he decided to do it for my birthday (and christmas, i assume). he did admit being especially attracted to the easiness of the idea, haha - i love his honesty, among everything else about him. tbh i feel like i'm being castigated by the universe lol, for being such a brat and not appreaciating what i have; right when i have once again fallen into the despairs of insecurities and self loathing, the most encouraging thing ever arrives. i'm also just now realizing i still haven't told t about this diary! i planned to do it when i recorded back and i've just been so coughey and disgusting-sounding for so long that i still haven't gotten around to it. i'll definitely tell him though. he's gonna be the only person i'll ever tell - he's the one who got me into this, or the reason i know this website exists. he's also the only one i know who i wouldn't mind reading whatever i have written or will write in the future; and not just because he's one of the few i honestly have nothing bad to say about, haha! although i have lately been chatting with someone whose diary i've stalked for a while and we have this high-speed-friendshipping thingy going on, so i guess there already is someone i (kinda?) know who might read my rambling-ons? (hi e, if you happen to read this. i like you a lot.) it feels weird continuing to read their diary though, so i haven't in days - kinda takes away from talking about things that are going on or asking about their day and whatever? at least it feels ...invasive. idk why that is; reading a stranger's diary doesn't make me feel that way, but i don't think we're meant to know what goes on inside the heads of our friends? at least in such detail. that's why it's always been somewhat weird reading t's as well (oh, if you ever happen to read this; i love you more than life, man. ok that's not really saying much, i love you more than... w? lmao it's like i can actually hear your gasp from the future rn. but i think i do. now would you think about that!) but i mean i do anyway, so i'll probably go back to reading e's as well. after all, i really enjoy their writing style and insight and shit like that. plus i'm a curious bitch and a creature of habit, lol.

anyway, the love letter. it was a list of things he loves about me and the reasons why. i cried and i laughed while reading it, and i immediately read through it three times. i've always th-- known he thinks waaay too highly of me, and it has been proven once again. thankfully he also knows i'm a total weirdo, talk excessively and think too much - he still thinks i'm the bee's knees though. it melts my heart, though i still can't convince myself into fully believing it. that's something we have in common, the theme of our friendship: both of us always going "why do you like me, i don't get it. how is it possible to enjoy listening to my voice notes?? they're chaotic. why do you put up with me? i'm so sorry. thanks for putting up with me" lol, the disclaimers are endless. at one point we tried to quit apologizing to each other, but i guess it's just in our blood, haha. i genuinely love our friendship to bits - one might not believe it though, as i have once again taken MONTHS to get back to him. i know i shouldn't as he's always very gracious and more than okay with everything, but i feel so embarrassed. and idk what's up, as i *love* listening to his voice messages, and i love recording back. my shitty english and horrible accent make it somewhat less pleasant though. we have been texting a little meanwhile he waits for me to get my shit together, and i have sent some memes - actually i should sent some more, i've been stocking up again... i shouldn't be allowed on the internet. i should go rinse my sinuses instead.

i seem to keep getting off track, but i'll treasure that letter forever - like i treasure the insanely large 'post card' i once received from t. dang i still remember the day i picked that up from my local post office... the face of that employee who handed it to me was priceless, haha. he's sent me such amazing things along the years, i still have all of them. whenever i can afford it i'm gonna send him his birthday present ... from last year, when he turned 30. my parents were supposed to visit my step sis in the states and mum said she'd mail it from there, but then their flights got cancelled and they couldn't get them replaced - and it's ridiculously expensive to mail a package to the states, bonkers, really. i'm still gonna do it. i would've done it for christmas but my car needed work done, so. t would be proud of my prioritizing; or more likely he'd never forgive me if i chose to mail his present instead of fixing my car. he's probably not gonna feel great about me spending money on it anyway, but i mean ... that won't stop me. nothing will, lol. whenever i can actually mail it to him, he's gonna love it. oh look, another side track! well, maybe there aren't words to describe this letter and the importance of it. if this was a physical diary i'd place the letter in between of these pages and that would do the trick, but since it's not, i'm just gonna say this: i love that dude. i really do. i love the friendship we've built. i don't know why and how he puts up with me, but i'm so incredibly grateful he does and has been for so many years. i can't believe i was lucky enough to get his address from the postcrossing 'bingo' back in the day. he never fails to make me laugh and always always always makes me feel loved and valued - and that's extremely healing, because i feel like he *truly* knows me. he knows about the bad and the ugly and the crazy. maybe not all of it (nobody does), but enough to make me wanna cry happy tears thinking about how he is still willing to always be there for me and care for me. gosh darn it i have amazing friends, there's no denying that.

...it kinda makes me think about my hatred for life. is it okay to keep going just because of others? i feel like i am, and i have always been. i only exist for others - or more like i haven't stopped existing because of others. maybe that's good enough, at least for now? it used to make me so angry though; bitter, almost. i mean i still kinda think that it's unfair. it's unfair that i gotta be here even if i don't want to, just so others wouldn't ...be sad to see me go. then again - am i a horrible person for not wanting to live even tho i have all these amazing people around me? although i am still here, so on some level i must want to be...? if i feel like i'm only alive for others, maybe they are what makes me want to be alive? i don't feel like it's a question of 'want' though. so, is it just ... guilt? feeling of responsibility? coercion? am i even making any sense? probably not. why can't i focus on the good? and even when i do, why can't i ever *only* see the good? why does the flip side always present itself? i loathe the way my brain's conditioned into working. j linked me an article about these treatment studies happening where they combine therapy with taking psychedelics. it was really interesting, especially regarding (in my case, c-)ptsd, ocd and depression. idk how my brain would react to it though, as at least stimulants it just eats up and loves. i haven't tried any psychedelics though, i bet those are a whole different deal. i think i would - try them, that is. if it was with an experienced therapist and the environment was safe and strictly controlled and regulated, i think i'd do it. it's not like i could get any more messed up, huh? at least not by a lot. i bet that kind of treatments won't reach this country in my lifetime though - weed is still highly illegal and frowned upon, and even adhd meds in some circles - so i guess it doesn't really matter. either way, i'm gonna go for that sinus flush now.