rotten

chosen family plus one

i wish i could blow my head off. not to be too dramatic lol but for real, i'm so tired of being ill. i'm so tired - period. i feel lightheaded and exhausted, all my muscles are sore and i'm pretty sure there's an urchin in my throat.

i think tomorrow will be the day when i finally drag my ass back home. a said it's all the same to them, so i think i'll stay another night and drive home tomorrow when it's still bright outside. i realize that since i forgot on boxing day, i didn't water mi's plants at any point. i don't see the point of going to do that tomorrow since she'll be back on the 7th herself, but luckily it's winter so they'll probably be okay? jo asked today if i could move in with them - damn i love that kid! a's 100 % jaded "e, don't go into the cupboard" is my second favorite thing i've heard today - "e, please don't climb into the laundry machine" is gold too. i mean it, that child... god damn. he's a meme. i can't wait until he starts to talk; it's gonna be hilarious as hell, he already has such an incredible sense of humour. i'm not sure i even knew one yearolds could have that? but he does. the way he needs to be monitored literally every. single. second. is exhausting, but imo the rest makes up for it - although probably the only reason why i think that is because i'm not his parent lol. and thank britney for that... it is such a privilege to have been welcomed into their family though. being a part of it, getting to be there for those kids, seeing them grow up. just this morning when a and i were talking we realized i was there when she took the test that announced e, and then i was there when she went into labor - and now that little termite is already climbing into washers and cupboards. i was the first 'outsider' to hold jo after he was born, i was in the hospital with them when jo had his heart surgeries done, i was the first person a called crying when she found out there might be something wrong with n when she was expecting her... and i'm always there to cook and clean for any special occasions, lmao. these people really are my family. every time i think about it it makes me emotional. and there really is more than just a thing or two to be said about how wonderful it is how little i feel like i need a vacation after visiting a & ju - just a two hours visit at my sister's or a day at m & t's and i need a week of silence and peace, but a week here? pfft. i feel like i have been to vacation, no matter what kind of a circus it sometimes is. i can breathe here.

a few nights back me and a also talked about the issues she has with her mother-in-law. they're so different and i mean that woman is truly something. she's so ... formal, fake and overly positive. she tries so damn hard it's annoying, and i mean she's also just weird. the things she brings up or decides to ask about, her 'conversation pieces' tend to be somewhat unhinged. i have no idea how that brain works, if it does. okay that's mean. but i never said i wasn't mean. and a is the most 'come what may' kinda person i've ever met. she just goes on with life... that just goes on. it's like they have a deal or something, her and life. she'll take even the worst possible struggles and deal. because that's what she does - she isn't dramatic, she doesn't go public with tough things, she doesn't milk any hardships she faces to gain attention or anything else. she just copes. it's amazing, although obviously sad too. i can imagine her and her mil not getting along, both have different kinda big personalities. i think it's also the things i've seen in ju and heard about his childhood during my years of knowing him that makes me kinda resent his mother. his dad's a complete weirdo as well but at least he's easier to be around as he tends to just .. chill. idk. but his mom is just so into appearances, what things look like to others. a told that when she and ju first started going out and went to meet his family, she didn't think anything about it really. she just chilled and thought they were a bit weird, but nice; and then ju told her that his mom had - in a chipper manner - said something like "how nice that a came to breakfast in her pyjama pants this morning, nice how she feels *that* comfortable here!" and it was obvious she thought there was something outrageously disrespectful about wearing pyjamas around the house. she has a way of communicating where she acts like she's really impressed about something; in a way that makes it clear she truly despises whatever that something is. and since she's kinda neurotic and controlling, she despises a lot of things. anyway, they've had their issues ever since they first met, and there's a lot of things that just keep making everything even worse. i don't know what i would do if a person i disliked and had that much conflict with was forced into my life. there's been a text post or tweet or whatever going aroung that says "not cutting anyone off in 2023 because i don't hang out with people i don't like", and that's such a mood. it's one of the things about adulthood that i'm most grateful and happy for; getting to decide who's in my life and who's not.

all while feeling so privileged and so loved, i've also been feeling really messed up and insecure. i don't think it has anything to do with being here or this family, it's just me. thing inside my head. i guess my birthday made me go down a dangerous line of thoughts after all, and the new year and all that forces everyone to look back at things and think about the future... and neither of those is good for me. ok maybe it has a little to do with being here; when i was out with w tonight and walked around the neighbourhood, looking at the pastel colored houses that all match each other, i thought about where i'd like to 'end up', for example if i'd like to own a house someday. it all just feels so distant and impossible i don't even see the point of drea-- trying to dream. and what would i do with a house? i don't care about 'accomplishments' in a traditional sense, but i'd like to find some purpose. it's not just what my life looks like though, i've been struggling with what *i* look like. i always am of course, but it's gotten more intense again. i try to avoid the scale but sometimes i get curious; last time i stepped on was because some of my everyday clothes had started to feel like they were too big for me, but i had gained a few kgs instead. i know weight isn't everything and only tells so much, but ever since i managed to drop 10 kg i've been even more bothered by it. when i last met up with my neuropsychiatrist he suggested i'd quit taking lisdexamfetamine altogether, since the effect has worn off anyway. and i mean... i get it, but i'm actually very scared to leave it out. firstly, because i have almost forgotten what it felt like having those 8945 channels open at all times in my freaking head, and it's pure *bliss*. i sure don't miss the loud brain and i'm pretty sure i'd go back to that default if i quit elvanse, so. that alone makes me hesitate. there's another thing though, one that i'm ashamed to say causes the most hesitation; the way it decreases appetite. i'm a lousy eater anyway - i just can't get myself to make it happen - but i enjoy not feeling hungry, like ever. i acknowledge it's a dangerous game to play considering i've been struggling with disordered eating pretty much my entire life, but i simply do not care. i don't know whether it's true or not, but in my head the reason why i have managed to *not* gain back the weight i lost ... is my medication. i hate the feeling of wanting to eat. it scares me. i know it makes absolutely no sense because the only thing that's ever helped me lose weight was eating a lot more, a lot more regularly. i should want to be able to do that again, right? but instead i take some fucking twisted pleasure in not eating. it doesn't help, it only makes everything worse; with the severe insomnia, hypothyroidism, HS the other skin conditions, this damn neurodivergent brain, ocd tendencies, hormonal inbalances, vitamin d absorption issues, all my medications and ALL the other SHIT there is, not eating *sure as hell* does me aboslutely no favors. yet still... idk. what the hell is wrong with me? that's the question i always end up with. followed by "...what isn't?"

ughhh, what a fucked up life it is. there's so much good shit, but unfortunately it doesn't outweigh the actual shit. sometimes i feel so self-absorbed thinking that, regardless of all the struggles i've gone through, all the messed up things in my families and childhood, everything. i can't help but think that i should be able to just snap out of it, get over myself, gain some perspective and start appreciating the things i have good. but i do, i genuinely do, and i both talk and think about those a lot. i love so many things and so many people so deeply, i'm so grateful for so many things and so many people, i know i'm privileged as fuck compared to so many. i know there's nothing that particularly sucks about my life rn, but like my girl m always reminds me, that's only because i'm used to things that one should never be, numbed by so much shit i just look past it. but still though... i complain way too much. i'm cynical af. why can't i seem to experience happiness? even when i supposedly have it? i really don't know. ...damn i really need to get my ass to therapy again, dear g-- britney. march can't get here soon enough.