Pillar of Light

Why am I a mess?

I was watching a Netflix show about this woman that lost her daughter and is deeply disturbed and depressed.
The thing that hit me is that I’m sort of like that woman in some ways.
I’m confused most of the day, staying in the house looking a mess, staying away from people, forgetting appointments, late to everything.
Then there was her annoying neighbor. I put together mom.

I thought to myself; that should be me. I should be that well dressed, social, going to the gym, happy perky bitch.

So why am I like this? I’m so lucky to have 3 healthy kids. Sure my brothers tragic death broke me more than it would most people. And a big contributor was when I left my career in NYC to be a stay at home mom.
But I shouldn’t have lost myself the way I did.

Then last night I had a dream that we lived by the beach. I woke up at sunrise and went out for a jog on the sand to meet a girlfriend for coffee at her beach house.
I woke up convinced that we need to move.
It’s not just the house, it’s the lifestyle that’s making me lonely and depressed.

I’m going to make it a mission. This year I want to move beachside.