⚡ Silent Thunder ⚡

⛈️ The Storms Within ⛈️
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2023-01-04 00:26:22 (UTC)

Sick, Frustrated, and Depressed

I'm frustrated today...
Mainly because we are three days into the new year and I have made the decision to start living passionately, but I haven't managed to get my ass out of bed.

I'm sick... But I don't know if I am legitimately sick, or if it's depression. Seems like this bed has had ahold of me for quite some time. I kinda hate it.

I did take the dog for a walk with Corey, both yesterday and today.

Yesterday I didn't last very long. We barely got to the beach before
I had to turn around and come back home.

Today was a little better, The weather was nice in the low 80's with just a light breeze.
Part of me wanted to sit by the water a bit, but Corey was with me and he wanted to keep going. By the time we got home I was ready to crawl back in bed.

When we got home I googled... What does it mean to live passionately? I don't know who wrote the article I read; but what a joke ..lol

The article listed five ways to start living passionately...and I only do one..lol

#1, Get up early.
Umm.. Unless I get a job that lets me go to bed before 3am. Life doesn't exist before noon..lol.

#2 Exercise.
My job is very physical. It's like doing eight hours of cardio a day. I don't want to exercise. I want to sleep.

Corey and I were talking about this on our walk. He says mom. You're exercising now. I'm like yeah, but I'm not passionate about it. It's obligation. The dog needs a walk and we don't have a yard for him to run in.

I mean I do appreciate the time I have with him, and hearing his thoughts on life.. I'd just rather spend that time together playing Mario Kart or something..

I think the third thing on the list was to read.
I honestly wish I had the focus to read. Usually when I start reading something I end up falling asleep. It doesn't matter if I like the topic or not... reading knocks me out.

#4 Meditate.

I can't say much about that one. I know I need to make more time for that in my life.

Sometimes I do try to meditate as I am going to bed. Especially if I am anxious about something. I will listen to one of the videos on YouTube and be asleep pretty quickly. But I don't feel any different..I'm no better, and no worse. I wake up and I'm still....here.

The last thing on the list was; Write.
Obviously I do that one. I've been writing since I could pick up a pencil.

Someone here that I follow said that they found something they wrote like 30 years ago.

Wow 😳
I would be ecstatic to find something I wrote that long ago. I'd probably be happy to find something from a month, or a week ago. LoL

But I'm pretty sure that it would all be the same... Though..you know what I would like more?

I'd like to be able to go back in time and just scream at the younger me to STOP!

Don't do it...
Don't take that job..
Don't listen to that person.. They don't know shit. You do you..
And for God's sake... Don't marry him.

Because almost 27 years ago I married Bryan. He is not a bad guy, but I don't think that I've ever been truly happy. And now.. Even though we are divorced.. I still can't get rid of him. And to be honest, I probably never will be rid of him. He has been with me over half my life. Unless he died.. I'm not sure I know how to walk away without being 100% sure that he will be okay. I'm stuck..and I think I am learning to accept that.

Corey and I were talking about that earlier. He was talking about when I first moved out of our apartment and got divorced.. He kinda liked it because he could come over to my house and just chill...and he could also have time with Bryan..and we only spent holidays together.. it was better mentally for all of us.
But as Corey said, He followed him... And now we are all just stuck back where we originally started...

Corey is trying to find an out...He wants to get his GED and go to college all before the end of the year. Actually, before April...sigh, I don't think that is possible though considering that he doesn't spend much time actually studying.

I'm trying to see if I can get him into actual classes at a local college..but I don't have his school records anymore.

Since he was pretty much home schooled from kindergarten, I never went with any certain curriculum. I made my own..and before the divorce I had it all on a number of flash drives, but in a fit of Bryan's anger it was all thrown away after I moved out...So I got nothing. And there's nothing I can do to get any of it back...I'm screwed...or actually Corey is screwed...

Anyways, enough about that. Eventually Corey is going to leave the nest...
What happens then?

Definitely something to think about.

Aimee 💜


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