rotten

immune system my ass

soooo... apparently i caught whatever it is that ju has. i'm not full on ill yet, but it's getting there. sore throat, stuffy nose, headaches, lots of ... mucus. some coughing. i really can't deal with this. of the past few months i've been seriously ill for like seven weeks altogether - and now AGAIN? i naively thought i'd have some kind of immunity by now, but nope. it's a different bug and i'm in for another round in hell. at least i won't have to decide whether or not i wanna try and wake up extra early so i could drive back in time to attend the movie day at paja. i think i'll probably still be driving home tomorrow, to give the family some peace before they go away to visit ju's parents. a is already stressed about the trip, i bet they could use some time without a guest before they go. or then not, i guess i'm quite a neutral visitor for them - or even helpful at times. idk. maybe i'll ask in the morning, depending on how my (and a's) 'condition' progresses. they, or at least she, probably won't go if she's ill. ju is already doing better; and i guess that's good news not only for him but for me/us too, as it might mean this isn't a bug that'll take weeks and weeks to recover from. here's to hoping!

i should reply to L, but i honestly have no idea what to say. she messaged me starting with "when will we hang out?" and then went on to talk about her and p - surprise surprise. after she had talked to k and i about what's been going on, they told their mum and dad, and their fourth sis's daughter who's currently living with her grandparents. i don't think she knows i have talked to k about this and that k told me about the boxing day incident, because in the beginning of her first longer message she briefly ran me through it. she of course made it sound like it wasn't that bad, p 'only' being suicidal; not threatening and abusive at all. sigh. obviously the whole thing blew up - that family has a lot of history (and trauma) with abuse and violence in intimate relationships - and when L and p went to her parents' for new years, it was a total chaotic shitshow. L said everyone was hysterical and she worked hard to 'minimize the damages' AND that she was very hurt because she "only wanted some support in a difficult situation'" yet her sisters "made it into this fuckinf unfair ultimatum", that she can either stay in the relationship *or* be responsible and receive support from her family, "whatever that means". "and with all the self-hatred he already has regarding everything, this is obviously a very shitty situation for p too"... she's actually hurt and mad that her family is trying to protect her from an abusive partner. i don't know what i can say that won't make her shut me out, while still expressing my views on everything. i just wanna shake her. i've considered contacting p but with him it's an even bigger case of i-wouldn't-know-what-to-say. it's weird to be good friends with someone and then hear from their partner, who you're even closer friends with, that they've turned abusive and violent. i don't know what to do, but i really should reply to her - she can see i've read her messages. it's just that ... truth be told, i was already fed up with their relationship more often than not feeling like a three-way that i was for some reason involved in against my will. i was trying to come up with a way to bow out, and now everything's escalated and gone to shit, and i'm expected to be there for them, or at least for her. and i truly wish i had it in me to do that, but i just don't think that's the case. maybe i'll write her a letter or something, i don't fucking know.

the strep is killing me. i truly didn't think i'd be ill in a long time after all the hell i went through recently, and damn is this frustrating. it also snowed today, so my car is even more frozen. i know i should just let it go (ba dum tshh) as it is what it is, but hnnggh. i wanna complain, lol. i'll pop freaking ten zinc C's and a handful of ibuprofen before i go to bed, and pray for the best. i'll probs pray to all the gods i've ever heard of, plus britney (of course). it was quite a chill day today. when i got up i took w - and jo - for a walk. he was very well-behaved and breezy the entire time even though the route we chose was pretty long for a 4 yo! oh crap, i'm only now realizing i only took w out twice today; she's in a deep sleep already tho, so i guess i'm off the hook. i'll just have to wake up a bit earlier. it's fine. i'll be fine. there was some kicking and screaming today, but it wasn't as bad as the day before yesterday. i still escaped to 'my room' at one point - but i also had a headache, so i think it was justified. e is teething so the going-to-bed phase didn't go as smoothly as it usually does, but in the end the boys dozed off and we adults had a sauna & 'pasila' -kind of a night, which was lovely.

i haven't watched 'pasila' in years because i thought it would remind me of mickey too much, but it really didn't. i only thought about that (and him) just now. feels good man, reassures me that i truly am mostly over him; fucking finally. it's about damn time. i questioned that fairly recently actually, as i was dicussing the relationship with mr a, or telling him about it. he, like many others, knew next to nothing about what was really going on back then and how it all came crashing down. if it wasn't such a straight forward question i don't think i would've told a about it - he knows mickey and i think they are friends. i shouldn't have any solidarity for the guy but for some reason i do; after all i got to keep most of our common friends. i only lost a few, and i guess he lost quite many. not that he didn't deserve it, but y'know. i should probably write about mickey someday; i haven't in years, and i think it might be helpful. however, this isn't the day - i think i'll go and rinse my sinuses instead. if anyone's still reading this... pray for me, lol.