Gone mental

Notes from my Black
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2023-01-02 13:31:59 (UTC)

People pleasing the ghost

It’s true that it is my nature to people please. It’s also in my nature to help people. I absolutely know where the pleasing came from, but the helping others is a mystery.

Growing up I wasn’t valued unless I was doing exactly what my parents wanted. I carried that into my adulthood and projected it onto every job, every relationship, every everything. It’s only the past couples years my ability to say no has finally developed… but when it comes to friends and people I deem worthy, I don’t say no, almost ever, except with Her. She has learned I won’t run, I won’t stop what I’m doing. She asked me to. I obliged, and although it does cause some conflict, I’ve set a healthy boundary. It’s better this way.

My best friend has been absent for a while… like a long while. Now, I have made her mad a few times and she’s ignored me for a period of time, but those times I knew what I did. This time is different. I’ve had a few scares with losing her via her own adgenda. I knew she had some personal turmoil this year. I tried to talk to her about it, but maybe she didn’t want to talk about it. She’s pulled my own veil back a few times and made me see clearly. I thought I was reciprocating, but maybe not in the way she needed. IDK… she’s one of the people I get nervous about when I communicate with her. One of those super awesome people… great vibe, style, intellect, character, and yeah she’s her own personal smoke show, but we’re not flirty. I mentally get a great deal out of the relationship and I miss getting called out and set straight. I miss being her supporter and listening to her.

On another note… I had this dream about heR. I hadn’t wished her a happy new year yet, so I did and told her about the dream. You’d think it was going to be all a sex dream… but to even my own dismay, it was a warning. I didn’t know what all the parts meant, so I told her what I could remember. Then there was no response. Two days and no response and I was like… did I cross a line I didn’t know about? Did I misread the “rule” where we’re supposed to message only on holidays? Hmmm… my brain went into low gear downshifting and grinding. Did I mis step? Well I never know and when people don’t act like I expect, I ALWAYS blame it on me. I must have done something. It’s me, right? I mean after all, I KNOW my intentions are good and that they are awesomely great people… and I have all these flaws… so they must be sick of me. Whoever it is, must not feel I’m worthy of their time… cause it’s me that’s the problem. It’s always my fault. I’m not even saying that sarcastically. I do believe it. Anyway I got a message from heR. She said my warnings were right on target… even down to the loose cupboard.

IDK… I really really really need to work on this people pleasing and the expectations thing. I debilitates me in my friendships. Then I end up with a very spare group I love and care about…

Know this. Heed this. Live this mantra. When given the chance to shine… do it right. <- messed up , right? Damn perfectionism. My parents really messed me up. I just hope my kids didn’t Lear that same garbage I’m trying to unlearn. I love ‘em… but sometimes I wish for their sakes I didn’t have them. I was soooooo worried I’d screw them up. I still worry about that, every day, every interaction. Geezum… it’s just not gonna stop today.