barefoot & barely lifelike
2023-01-01 23:33:53 (UTC)

just another day

new year, new me! jk; new numbers on the date, new nothing. i don't get the new year's hype - it's not like anything's *really* different just because the year changed. there was a pic with the words 'looking out into the new year knowing i can make a new start whenever i like (but it's nice to have a place to reflect, refocus or restart)' on it, and that was pretty much the only new year's thing on social media i actually liked. i've never been into 'motivational quotes' or clishes, that's not exactly a secret. and according to my inner calendar, the new year does not even start on the 1st of january. more like somewhere in, idk, august/september maybe? it has been nice to see people's recaps and read their thoughts reflecting on the past year though. o, this one guy from paja (one of the four i've actually changed ig handles with) wrote a whole lot, and he also mentioned posting 'the negative stuff' for his 'close friends' -list only; he said to "hit me up if you wanna get in on it", and i contemplated but opted out. we don't know each other that well and let's be honest, i was just being nosey. maybe one day things will come up naturally in a conversation and i'll get to know his story a bit more, that'd be nice. j (again, from paja) also did a recap in which she said "it's been the first year since i got sick that i have been --" and "(i got sick at 14)" - i really wanted to ask about it, but i don't know. she's a tough one to read, i'm not sure where i stand with her. sometimes it feels like she matches my vibe of excitement about getting to know each other, but sometimes i fear she wishes i would just leave her alone. we have a lot in common and i really like her, i think she's my favorite person from there (besides s, duh) and definitely has the most 'friend potential'. she did say that if i started a group she'd definitely join in, and she's been the first to message me on ig a few times, but still... i'm not sure. might be my own insecurities kicking in. what i appreciate most about her though, is how she always takes my weird jokes to the next level. it's especially nice whenever there are some - i'm so sorry about this i'm such a dick of a person, but: that kinda autistic people around who take everything literally and look at me in a weird way when a dark/twisted joke slips out. she makes me feel seen, i guess. anyway, my phone also did a 'review of your year' video for me; or i guess it's more of a slideshow. it had 80 randomly chosen pictures, and it was actually really cool if i'm being honest. i put it on double speed and shared it to my ig story. it was only four stories, so i don't think it was THAT long, or at least not TOO long. and on ig you can always skip things, unfollow people whose content you don't care about and so on - at least that's what i do, so.

it was a complete mayhem today with the kids. jo and e fight all the time - or more like jo seems to have a weird need to bully and push e around all the time. i heard a cry to ju about it when the kids had gone to bed, and i mean, no wonder. even i felt quite desperate and it's not like it's *actually* my responsibility in the end (to figure out ways to handle the whole circus, or make sure those kids stay alive (wait what)). it is hers though. and it was the craziest day i've seen so far; so much screaming and crying and yelling and hitting and just... insane behaviour. i don't feel like getting too into it, as it was tiring as hell, but i hope they can get some help with all of it, or at least some advice about what to do with jo. different tactics to try out. there must be something, right? i damn sure hope so. i also hope tomorrow will be easier, today was very tiring (the sauna afterwards def felt needed). ju has a flu and looks like crap, i've felt sorry for him the entire day. and obviously for a too, but i always do - i have no idea how she manages everything as well as she does. i think it's her overall attitude towards life, taking things as they come and not complaining for nothing. she has a very special lense through which she looks at life, and i'm just super impressed by it. even when jo was tiny and had all the heart surgeries and shit, she was surprisingly chill. she's never once 'milked' that or any other experince or hardship she's/they've faced either. and i mean the fact that i can spend two hours at my sister's and feel like i need a two week vacation, but spend a week here like it's nothing... that speakes volumes. especially when the former's a family of three and this one a family of five, lol. it's always so nice being here, i feel so welcomed. these weirdos feed me, w is always welcome, i have my own freaking room in this house (whenever ju calls it his office or the quest room or whatever, jo has no idea what he's talking about, and i find that hilarious. "oh you mean u's room?", it's the cutest damn thing!) and there are no expectations. a and ju take care of their kids and i'm literally just a guest. everything i choose to do to help out is appreciated of course, but none of it is my responsibility. whenever things get too overwhelming i can always escape to 'my room' and close the door, and there's no bad blood, no matter what kinda mayhem goes on the other side of the door. i really appreciate this place and love these people, and the fact that i'm pretty much considered a part of this family. i bet they'd let me move in if i needed to - crazy people, lol. anyways, if you don't count the mayhem that was the last three hours the kids were awake today, we've had a really nice time. e is a walking meme, that kid should definitely be my godchild as well. although i enjoy his shenanigans regardless. we had hot dogs with pulled pork yesterday, took a walk around the neighborhood to see some fireworks (once again i was *so* glad and thankful that w doesn't mind them, i feel so sorry for other dog owners who aren't as lucky), and when the kids had gone to sleep, we opened a bottle of red wine and played some cards & a few rounds of bananagrams. it was a very chill way to spend the new years', and i definitely don't mind the family-friendliness of it all. i guess i really have become a boring adult, haha! perhaps i always was. the lord knows i've never been much of a party girl.

the pharmacy sold me the meds btw. i paid a fortune for them though - but the pharmacist told me i can try and apply for a refund since i was granted a voucher. i just gotta fill in some paperwork to explain i was traveling and forgot my meds home. we'll see what happens. on the drive here i listened to the killers a lot, since the radio kept losing all the channels. i really love 'the direct hits' album i have, i think i could manage quite a long time with only that one. but i should buy more cd's the next time i go thrift shopping (or then i should just buy a new antenna for the car... i don't see myself doing that any time soon though. the cd's are more likely to happen lol). the windshield viper fluid i picked up on my way from gran's smells iffy. not as iffy as it could, but iffy nonetheless. even w raised her head every time i had to spritz some. ughh; and i put in the whole canister. it's like they say: the entire body suffers from a dumb head. on other news, t and i have been poking each other on facebook again. it's so funny to me that you can still do that! it's truly a dying artform, it should be brought back - and damn it will be, if i have any say in it! behold the people i'm friends with on facebook, here comes the great poker. ok that sounds wrong. not as wrong as it would if i had a penis though, so perhaps i'll leave it. i'm already on 1432 gingerbread men on cats&soup - just 68 more and i can get that damn cherry blossom shorthair whateveritwascalled, the pink one. i can't wait for my collection to be complete, hah. OH damn i only just now remembered the duolingo week came to an end today, i'll have to check out where i placed. i'm gonna be so mad if i fell down a league; i was fifth when i last quit playing. (i checked; i finished 5th. yay.) ok why do my targeted ads include weird pornographic things again? some of the games that get a lot of ad space are very disturbing, like why would i wanna play mahjong to reveal a naked anime character? and why do the pieces have kama sutra positions on them? so fucking weird. like, no. just no. nobody asked for that, literally nobody.

OK i'll buy into the new years' hype this much; i'll make a resolution. i'll set a goal for 2023. the goal is this: to stable my finances enough so i can get all the mandatory things (that i've had to push off over and over again) taken care of - and then *finally* book that tattoo appointment. i think i wanna get both of the two i'm sure of (the big dipper and that 'valot pimeyksien reunoilla' symbol) right away, at once. i just gotta make up my mind on the placement issue... wild to think there was a time when i thought i'd only want text tats, no pictures; now i'm not sure i can think of a text i'd want to get inked on me. and while we're on the subject: i'm so fucking grateful i never got any faith-related tattoos. i'll probably never find another thing to be more grateful for, lmao. anyways - bring it on, 2023!