rotten

this 'n that 'n yahtzee

it's not raining but it sounds like it was as the snow on the trees is melting. it's so LOUD and although it makes the world a little uglier, for some reason it also makes me happy. it makes me smile. perhaps it's an ASMR thing? a new episode of 'antin koulumatka' came out today and the notification also made me smile. in this episode he says something in the lines of "if THIS thing, this project, this non-podcast whatever this is, if this is enough for you people i'll never stop doing this" and oh boy do i hope he sticks to that. i've already started preparing myself for having to pick up another streaming service next week so i can keep listening to this podcast and idk. i might have to give something else up. after all they raised my rent so much i have no idea how i'm gonna make it... i've started to read 'moominland midwinter' which is an odd translation, as the original title is 'trollvinter' and the finnish one (taikatalvi) translates to 'magic winter'. aaaaa language is so fascinating MY GOD what a horrible noise - my mum has some kind of an onion cutter thing that has a thread you pull to spin the blade inside and fucking hell it screeks louder than any other appliance in the entire universe. my neurodivergent brain is on the verge of completely loosing it's shit just because i had to listen to that for like a minute. yeah wdym sensory hypersensitivity, who, me? pffft nnah.

yesterday i visited my grandma. and found out my dad's in a hospital, and has been since christmas. he fell down the stairs the night between christmas eve and -day, and was taken to hospital. he fucked up his leg - broke his ankle and i'm not sure but i think something happened to his shin as well (ohh this reminds me of work; one of my favorite pathologists always when dictating the PAD's, on the topography he used to say "shin, eli säärestä" to differentiate it from chin because he gave literally no fucks about his accent so it was very much a needed distinction. i always wondered why he didn't say "eli leuasta" after chin as well, but oh well. ok idk why i wrote this down, moving on...), and he had surgery done on the 25th. yesterday he was moved to a rehabilitation center until he learns to walk with the cast i guess. his roommate/partner/whothehellknows k is still at his father's place where they were meant to spend the holidays together, so my dad had no place to go where he wouldn't have to be alone. i called him yesterday (gran forc... prompted me to) and he was pretty irritated with the nurses and everything, which tbh i totally get. when i broke my leg it was so flipping frustrating, on top of being pretty much the most painful thing in my life. i don't think his foot's as fucked up as mine was, but it's still just so... redundant. but on the plus side, like he himself said: "at least i won't be drunk. or smoking". he's got nicotine patches on him because he can't move enough to go outside for a cig, and obviously they don't allow alcohol in the hospitals etc. i bet pretty soon he'll be going through a hell of withdrawal symptoms, but maybe this will be the kick he needs to quit smoking? i highly doubt it though, as he's been smoking for over 30 years - actually i don't even know how long it's been - and he's still using those patches. but i think the withdrawal from alcohol is enough at once, if he had to quit everything all at once & cold turkey, i don't know if he'd survive. my sister apparently knew about him as soon as it happened but didn't bother to tell me/us, idk why. she's been having a rough time with her fibromyalgia suddenly raising it's nasty head again, and i think they had some issues with dad borrowing money from her and not managing to pay back in time, and with all the history i don't blame h if she's done with his bs and doesn't give a fuck. gran made some kinda comment about it, when she asked me if h had told me and i said no; like "doesn't seem to care about her dad very much, does she..." but i mean after all it's his own fault if he hasn't called or messaged me. i'd argue *he* doesn't seem to care much about keeping his children up to date, now does he? idk. my whole family is all kinds of fucked up. i don't know if i should try and visit dad, at least now he's forced to stay sober for a while... we'll see how long it takes until he lifts up his middle finger and goes home just so he can drink again, no matter if he can walk or not. the thought "i hate being so cynical" came up just now, but honestly i'm just being a realist. i've seen enough and i know him well enough to know how he'll be and what he'll do. it sucks but it's the reality.

today's been such a chill day! i drank four cups of coffee this morning, and that's worth mentioning because i rarely finish a cup before it gets cold and disgusting and i have to pour it away - but for some reason mum had bought the café milk by arla, and it's just so. damn. good. also, i picked a smalled cup and used the milk foamer, so. yes. so much dopamine, just soooo muuuuch dooopaaamiiiineeeee. we've also played maybe five games of yahtzee throughout the day, and damn i love that game, it's one of my absolute faves. i'm such a bitch for the most basic card and dice games. i've done two loads of laundry, read the moomin book, taken w for a few walks, watched some youtube... the basics. rn i have two windows open side by side and the other has a highlighter declutter vid by angeschka playing. it's so satisfying, even though i find her accent a bit irritating. it's so round! well, it's a very basic swedish accent but somehow it irks my brain lol. i'm still gonna watch the entire series of these declutter videos, don't come @me.

my plan for tomorrow is to go to the pharmacy here before it closes at 1pm and then drive to a & j's for the new years. i was dumb when i packed for christmas and then i was dumb again when i went home for boxing day - neither of those times did i pack enough meds. i'm already out of atomoxetine, and i'm running dangerously low on clonidine, even though i've only been taking 1 1 instead of 1 2 that i'm supposed to. i don't know if i'll be able to buy more yet, the last purchase was made on the 26th of october and i got a three month's worth then (300 pills), so i'm almost sure it's a no go. i'm gonna try anyway though. i also requested a refill on my atomoxetine 60mg prescription; it hasn't come through yet but i still have some on my 40mg prescription, so i guess those will have to do... fingers crossed they'll allow me to at least purchase the smallest packaging of clonidine if i pay full price for it or something. i guess we'll see. and i hope that e will be as shy with w as he has been the last two times i've visited, 'cause if i'm completely honest, taking w with me is stressing me out a little bit. a also said j and e are fighting all the time, so that should be interesting... i'm really thankful they're willing to have me though, i have no idea what i would've done for the new years if they weren't so welcoming. i shouldn't be surprised though - i literally pretty much have my own room in their house, lmao. and last time i was there j drew that family portrait with me in it, i have it on my fridge (even tho it's a bright pink A4-sized piece of paper... so that's saying things about how much i love that drawing) and i'll treasure it forever.

i've moved on to an eyeshadow palette declutter video - it's giving me so much dopamine it's insane. so so SO many beautiful things! i really need to get my own eyeshadow palettes out more often too, even if it's just to swatch them. my 'comfort zone' with makeup is kinda boring currently, i haven't done any bold looks for a while now. i think the boldest one in a long time was the one i did for my birthday, and even that one was just a kinda-dark bronzey smoky eye. i think this boring thing goes for clothes as well; for quite some time now i've been feeling anxious every time i wear something that's not black. i've literally been wearing all black for at least two months now, with the occasional 'pops of color' ie my ripped light blue jeans or the khaki green denim shirt, so. not really that colorful, eh. i don't know what it is, but like... the idea of wearing my yellow sweater? nope. no thank you. black & denim, and that's it. at least for now. i got new shoes from gran though, and those are brown... let's see if i'll manage to cook up a crisis about those, haha (i very well might).

okay. i think there's some rice porridge for an evening snack and if i'm lucky i might convince mum to go for another round of yahtzee, he he.